Starring Laina!
by Alaina
Summary: What havoc will Laina wreck on poor middle earth! COMPLETED Review. You know you want to. My first fic, which would be why the beginning is awful. May or may not repost eventually. Check author's page for sequel! (I promise it will be better.)
1. How long till Galadriel loses it?

Chapter 1: Introduction  
  
  
*Galadriel Voiceover*  
  
"The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air."  
  
"Sam! Say excuse me"  
  
"AHEM! As I was saying...Much that once was is lost and none now live who remember."  
  
"Galadriel, you're alive, and you obviously remember."  
  
"Shut UP! It began with the forging of the great rings."  
  
Three elves randomly appear, one being Galadriel, one being Gil Galad, and the other being Cirdan.  
  
"Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings."  
  
Laina suddenly jumps in and lands on Cirdan. She's short with short dark hair up in a ponytail but with lots of pieces hanging loose. She has brown eyes with olive tints to them and fair skin. She puts on her saddest pair of puppy dog eyes. "Can I have a ring? Pleeeeeeease???? They're so pretty and shiny. I just want one...."  
  
She is blatantly ignored.  
  
"Seven for the dwarf lords, miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls."  
  
As they raise the rings in a toast thing, Laina comes running in.  
  
"Hiiiiiii.....oh my god, you stink" she runs away again, screaming about stinky dwarves.  
  
Galadriel rolls her eyes in disgust, although you can't actually see it. "And nine, nine rings were given to the race of men who above all else desire power."  
  
"Hey, I'm from the raise of men, but I'm not power hungry! What??? Money?? Ooh, I'm coming, wait!!!"  
  
"For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived-"  
  
Laina comes running in, again. "Hey, no way Miss. Mind Reader Lady. I knew. I read the books, so I wasn't deceived. Nyaaaaah!"   
  
Galadriel is really starting to get annoyed. "For another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged, in secret, a master ring to control all others. And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. One ring to rule them all."  
  
"Ooh, I know this one!!!" guess who screams. "One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Want to hear my other poems???"   
  
"No!!!" Galadriel all but screams. "As I was saying. One by one the free lands were all felled to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted."  
  
As the men and elves are marching towards the mountain, Laina is right in front, ponytail swinging, singing out, "Left, left, left right left. Left, left, left right left. Come on men! And elves! March 2, 3, 4, Hut 2, 3, 4" The men looks at each other confused while the elves look royally pissed off.   
  
Galadriel takes a deep breath and counts down from 10 under her breath. "A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor. On the slopes of Mount Doom they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth."  
  
Elrond shouts out some orders in Elvish and then Laina runs up to him. "Who in the name of the Valar are you?"  
  
"I'm Laina!! You're Elrond aren't you?? My friend thinks you're hot when you have dirt on your face!" She continues rambling on while Elrond gets more and more agitated.   
  
"Um, I'm trying to fight a war here, can I help you with something?"  
  
"Oh, right" Laina says, suddenly remembering why she's there. "Here take this, I took it from Random Man Fighter #77398A." She hands him a helmet, which he takes looking slightly confused. "It just bugs me that you're the lead marshall dude man and you don't have a helmet. You're going to get shot in the head!" Then she runs away, skipping down the hill they're standing on.  
  
"Victory was near"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we know, then Sauron came out and killed-"  
  
"Would you please shut up?" Laina was cut off as Galadriel grabbed her mouth.  
  
"Fine, fine, I'll shut up now." Galadriel didn't notice that Laina had her finger crossed behind her back.  
  
"But the power of the ring could not be undone."  
  
As the Elves and Men fight, Laina prances around, yelling at orcs, and generally being annoying. When Sauron strikes Elendil, she gets slightly....upset  
  
"Waaaaaah!!!! How could you??? You killed Elendil!" crying, she looks up at him, pissed. He simply glares down at her. "Heh, riiiight, I'll be, um, going now, see ya!" She runs off, faster than, well, fast.   
  
"It was in this moment, when all hope had faded that Isildur, son of the king took up his father's sword."  
  
Laina is seen standing on a hill wearing a Gondorian cheerleading outfit with matching pompoms. "Isildur, Isildur, he's our man! If he can't do it no-one can! Oh dear God, Isildur, you're our only hope!! No pressure or anything..."  
  
"Sauron, the enemy of the free peoples of Middle Earth, was defeated."  
  
"Yaaaaay Isildur!! I knew you could do it!!! I had complete and uttermost faith in you the entire time!!! Eeeeep!" She is blown away by the wind as Sauron falls.   
"The ring passed to Isildur who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of it's own."  
  
"Hey, I've told you before, we're not easily corrupted. Ooh, shiny...."  
  
"It betrayed Isildur to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost."  
  
"Oh, go Isildur, nice one, dumbass."  
  
Choking a disgusted sigh, Galadriel continues. "History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the rings passed out of all knowledge, until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer."  
  
"My precious"  
  
"No, ew, I hate Gollum. Yuck, yuck yuuuuuck."  
  
"The ring came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there, it consumed him."  
  
As the scene scans over the Misty Mountains, Laina is seen bouncing through the clouds, talking like she has helium in her voice, which is pretty high, considering how high her voice normally is.  
  
*Nonlogical, pointless, Gollum babble*  
  
"The ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For 500 years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the east. Whispers of a nameless fear."  
  
"It's Sauron!! I know it is!! I bet you.........your ring!! Uh huh!!!"  
  
"NO!!! I am not betting you my ring, or anything else. Go away!!!! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted........." dagger glances at Laina. "And the ring of power perceived. It's time had now come."  
  
"Hey, how could a ring have figured that out? I mean, it's an inanimate object. I don't think it could have heard rumours, especially in a stinky old mouldy cave..."  
  
"Okay, look, it's a special ring. Special. It has, ah, magical powers or something. Just give it up. It abandoned Gollum. But something happened the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable..........-"  
  
"Me!!!!" Laina comes running into the scene and picks up the ring. "Buahahahaha*coughcough*HA!!! Now I don't need your stupid ring Galadriel. I have one of my own! Nyaaaaaah!!!"  
  
"Put the ring down."  
  
"No. It's my ring down!!!" She sticks out her tongue to someone off camera."  
  
Galadriel stalks on camera, looking thoroughly pissed off. "Put. The. Ring. Down."  
  
"No, I don't want to!!!"  
  
Galadriel finally loses it. She begins to glow green and scream at Laina to put the ring down in her creepy echoey voice.  
  
Suddenly a hispanic dude jumps in! He has dark hair and eyes (duh) and dark skin....(a/n wow, amazing description, huh?) He's dressed like Aragorn, with a small goatee.  
  
"Rhyan!!!" she squeals. "I haven't seen you since the summer!" she runs over and hugs him.  
  
"Casey, put the ring down."  
  
"I'm not Casey anymore Rhyan. I'm Laina!" She sticks her tongue out at him.  
  
"Fine, whatever, Laina, put the ring down."  
  
She heaves a disgusted sigh. "Fine"  
  
"Can we go now"  
  
"Alright, but if you ever make me do that again, I'll hit you on the head with a wooden flute cleaning rod thing!!!" (E/N (editors note) HEY!!)  
  
As they head off camera, Galadriel breathes a sigh of relief silently hoping she'll be able to finish her narrative speel without anymore....interruptions.   
  
"As I was saying.....a hobbit....Bilbo Baggins of the Shire."  
  
Bilbo: "A ring"  
  
Background Gollum "Noooo, my precious!"  
  
"For the time would soon come when Hobbits will shape the fortunes of all."  
  
As the camera backpans across the Misty Mountains, Laina is seen once more, hauling Rhyan down the mountain.  
  
"Close enough" Galadriel mutters.  
  
***Please be nice and review! First fic! Author likes encouragment!***  
  
  
(Cas, I added that to annoy you. Love you hun!)  
5 


	2. Hobbit parties! And Chrissie has a cameo

Chapter 2: Hobbit Parties! And Chrissie has a cameo two!  
Happy Hobbit music is playing and Frodo is leaning against a tree reading. What he doesn't see is Laina, in the tree, grinning. Suddenly Frodo looks up. He hears Gandalf singing and gets up, just as Laina pounces.   
  
"Ow, shit!" she exclaims, as Frodo runs to meet Gandalf.  
  
"You're late" he accuses.  
  
"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins," the wizard replies. "Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means too."  
  
After fighting back smiles, they both start laughing.   
  
"Do you have any idea how creepy your face gets when you do that??" Laina pops out from the back of Gandalf's cart.  
  
"Ummm, okay," Frodo says, and jumps into Gandalf's arms for a hug.  
  
Laina bursts out laughing. "I'm sorry," she manages to choke out. "But I can so see you missing the cart and falling flat on your face." She can hardly breath she's laughing so hard.  
  
"Alright, who are you?" Gandalf finally demands.  
  
"Oh, right, sorry," she replies, starting to calm down. "I'm Laina. And you're Frodo Baggins, and you're Gandalf the Grey, a.k.a. Mithrandir, a.k.a. The Grey Pilgrim (which is what Mithrandir means), a.k.a. Storm Crow....hey, you have almost as many names as Aragorn, who's also known as Estel, or Lightfoot, or FKoG..that's my own special one that I made up. It stands for Future King of Gondor...."  
  
Since Frodo doesn't have a clue what she's rambling about, and Gandalf doesn't care, they both decide to ignore her and continue on with their conversation about the outside world.  
  
When the children chase after Gandalf for the fireworks, she pauses her endless stream of words for a moment. "Aww, come on Gandalf. The itty-bitty cute kids want fireworks. And so does the old guy, but he doesn't want his wife to know so shh. And I want fireworks too! Frodo knows too! Look at him looking at you with his pretty baby blue eyes!!!"  
  
Gandalf finally sets off the fireworks, as much to shut Laina up as anything. The children all smile, and Laina giggles like a five year-old, claps her hands, and resumes her one-sided conversation about Aragorn's many names, which has now drifted completely off topic.  
  
Just as Frodo says his good bye to Gandalf, Laina finishes her stream of words, ending with "And that's why it is a screwdriver, it just doesn't fit."  
  
Frodo jumps off the cart and Laina yells good bye after him. But Gandalf turns around and looks at her. "There is no way you are staying with me. Get off my cart."  
  
"But, but, but"  
  
"Off. Now"  
  
"Oh, fine. You're no fun." Laina jumps off the cart and Gandalf continues on his way to Bilbo's house.  
  
He reaches Bilbo's house and knocks on the door.  
  
"No thank you! We don't want anymore visitors, well-wishers or distant relations."  
  
"How about very old friends?"  
  
Bilbo opens the door and runs out to greet his friend.  
  
"Bilbo...do you know what a funny name that is? I mean you change one letter and you end up with-"  
  
"Oh, not you again" Gandalf groans.   
  
"Friend of yours?" Bilbo asks, looking slightly amused as well as perplexed as to her previous statement.   
  
"Oh yeah, me and Gandy go waaaaaay back" she answers, before Gandalf has a chance to.  
  
"GANDY?!?"  
  
"Uh-huh"  
  
"Riiiight..."  
  
Bilbo and Gandalf go inside and Laina blissfully goes away. They have their little pointless conversation in piece until Lobelia Baggins comes to the door.  
  
"Bilbo Baggins, open up!" she yells  
  
"Shhh! I'm not at home!" he whispers to Gandalf.  
"Yes you are," Laina answers, appearing out of nowhere.  
  
"No I'm not," Bilbo says, trying to get his point across.  
  
Unfortunately for him, Laina has decided to play stupid. "But you are at home. I'm looking right at you, and I'm in your home."  
  
"Alright, alright, I'm home. But I don't want her to know that."  
  
"Ooh, why didn't you say so?"  
  
Bilbo and Gandalf carry on with their conversation (A/N: I forget exactly how this part goes, and my brother won't let me check as he's watching tv, so bear with me....and if it's really off, than let me know in a review *hinthint*)  
  
Finally Bilbo says his line "I feel like butter stretched over too much bread."  
  
"Really?" asked Laina, who had been quiet for so long that they had almost dared to hope that she had left. "I feel like sugar. Do you have any?"  
  
"In the cupboard over there," Bilbo answered, trying to continue his conversation.  
  
"I'm going on a very long vacation. And I don't expect I'll return. In fact, I mean not to."  
  
"No!!! Don't go!!! Frodo would be sad! He'd really, really miss you! You're his favouritest uncle/adopted father."  
  
Gandalf and Bilbo look at her rather oddly.  
  
"Oh fine, leave then. But I'm not going to be the one Frodo comes crying to."  
Scene changes to Bilbo and Gandalf smoking.  
  
Laina comes running up. "Don't you know smoking is bad for your health?? You could die. It's been clinically proven!!"  
  
She is, of course, met with blank stares. "Fine. But don't come crying to me when you have lung cancer!! Waah!! Poor Luke! He's going to die!" She cries and runs off.  
  
***HOBBIT PARTY TIME!***  
  
Frodo is "dancing" when Laina comes running up. "Frodo Baggins, you dance like a chicken! Now, my friend Chrissie and I are going to teach you a new game. Ready? Chrissie!!!"   
  
She is joined by a girl about her height, but very different. She has short, short auburnish-brown hair, and very black eyeliner. She's wearing a black vinyl jacket covered in safety pins and a pair of black capri pants with fishnet stockings. On her feet are heavy "military" boots, although nobody in the military would ever wear them as they are covered in metal and loads of buckles. On her head is a grey "Brit" hat. The girl doesn't look like she deserves the name Chrissie, or a job teaching five-year-olds, which is how she and Laina are treating the hobbits.  
  
"Case, stop calling me Chrissie. I'm Christin, not Chrissie."  
  
"Too bad, I like Chrissie. And I'm Laina. Not Case(y). Now shut up, you stupid bitch. We're going to teach these cute little Hobbits "Jibberish Talk Show", because they dance like chickens. Well, Frodo does."  
  
"Yaaaay Neptune!!!" Is Chrissie's response.  
  
"Ok, now this game is a lot of fun you guys!!"  
  
"It is! We're going to need three volunteers. One to be the alien, one to be the host, and one to be the translator ....anybody?"  
  
"Oooook, we only need one volunteer....Chrissie and I can be the other two....just one....come on...you can do anything you want.."  
  
By this point, most of the Hobbits have moved off and continued with their party.   
  
"You know what Chrissie?"  
  
"What Casey?"  
  
"This isn't working. Thanks for your help though! I'll see you later!"  
  
"Alright, bye! I lubbles you!"   
  
They hug, Chrissie disappears, and Laina goes off to see what her hobbity friends are doing. She arrives just in time to hear Sam say "I think I'll just have another ale" in response to Frodo's suggestion to "ask Rosie for a dance".  
  
"Now Sam, no matter how you feel right now, you shouldn't try to drown your sorrows in ale. You're just starting yourself on the road to alcoholism. Now, take Frodo's suggestion, and dance with Rosie. Have fun!"   
  
Before he can ask who she is, she pushes him off, and he nearly falls, being slightly tipsy, and Rosie catches him and off they go. She smiles to herself and mutters about how good she is before wandering off.   
  
Gandalf sets off some fireworks, and Merry stands by a tent and watches. When Gandalf isn't looking, Merry hits the tent and Pippin comes running out. Merry boosts him into the back of Gandalf's cart and Pippin grabs one, the big one at Merry's urging. He jumps off and hides in the tent while Merry bites at an apple and tries to look nonchalant. As soon as the coast is clear, he throws away the apple and ducks into the tent.  
  
Merry and Pippin are about to light the firework when Laina appears out of nowhere.   
  
"Ooooh, fireworks! That's Gandalf's, isn't it?"  
  
"Shhh, don't tell!" Merry hisses at her.  
  
"Are you kidding?!? Chrissie!!!!"  
  
Once again, Chrissie appears. "What do you want, Case? I was working on a commission."  
  
"Look, I brought you for the fireworks, see?"  
  
"Yaaaaay!!!"  
  
"Umm, excuse me, but who are you?" Pippin interrupts.  
  
"Oh yeah, I'm Laina, and this is my buddy Chrissie. We're walk home together buddies, and money buddies, and short buddies, and drive home buddies and Neptune buddies and-"  
  
"Casey?"  
  
"Uh huh?"  
  
"I don't think they care hon." Chrissie says, motioning to the two hobbits, who's eyes are starting to glaze over.   
  
"Oh, right, sorry. Anyways, light the fireworks, we want to watch."  
  
Pippin lights the firework with a happy "There!" Laina can barely contain her laughter at what's about to happen, and Chrissie is watching with an amused grin.   
  
"You're s'posed to stick it in the ground." says Merry.  
  
"It is in the ground." Pippin responds.  
  
"Outside."  
  
"It was your idea!"  
  
The two scream as the firework goes off, pulling the tent with it. Chrissie and Laina are rolling on the ground they're laughing so hard. Luckily the firework goes off without hurting anyone and Hobbit's are amazed.  
  
Merry and Pippin had just decided to get another one when Gandalf grabs them each by an ear. "Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. I should have known."   
  
Suddenly he spots Chrissie and Laina, barely breathing on the ground. "Oh great," he mutters. "You're here. And you have a friend. Wonderful. I don't suppose you had anything to do with this?"  
  
"Yes," she gasps through her giggles. "It was all our idea." She winks at the two hobbits.  
  
"You and your friend-"  
  
"My name is Chrissie-argh, no!! It's Christin! My name is Christin!" she says, looking a little bit pissed off.  
  
"Right, you and Christin go and do the dishes."  
  
"K!" Laina giggles, and runs off, pulling Chrissie with her.   
  
"I don't wanna do the dishes!" Chrissie whines  
  
"Oh, go and finish your commission," Laina pushes her, still laughing. Chrissie disappears once again.  
  
Laina was soon joined by the two Hobbits. "Oh poo." she whines. "I thought he might of believed me."  
  
"Nope!" Pippin responds cheerfully. "But thanks for trying though!"  
  
Laina actually stayed to help with the dishes and soon made friends with the two hobbits. Sadly for her, they seemed to be the only people....ah, creatures, in all of Middle Earth who actually liked her. Just as she, Merry and Pippin finished the dishes, Bilbo gets up for his speech.   
  
"Speech! Speech!" yell the crowd!  
  
Bilbo says hello to all the people there by their last names and brings much cheering.   
  
Just when he finished his names, and was about to continue on there was a loud "You forgot the Lainas!" Everybody turned to look at her, confused. "Oh, never mind. Finish your little speech."  
  
After thoroughly confusing the crowd, Bilbo states, "This is the end." and promptly disappears.   
  
"Wow. Didn't see that coming." Laina says, her voice dripping with sarcasm. None of the hobbits heard her though, as they were too busy talking about what had just happened.   
  
Meanwhile, back at the house, Bilbo walks through the door, chuckling to himself.  
  
"I suppose you think you think that was terribly clever." A voice states, scaring Bilbo.  
  
"Come on Gandalf, did you see their faces?"  
  
"There are many magic rings in this world, Bilbo Baggins, and none of them should be used lightly."  
  
"It was just a bit of fun! Ah, I suppose you're right."  
  
Gandalf is about to reply when Laina appears. "Ok, this is boring. Whee, you're leaving everything to Frodo, even the ring, yes you have to leave it. You're turning into gollum, and you're going to start calling it your precious, yadda yadda....Gandalf, we know you're not some conjurer of cheap tricks, you're a Maia, yay for you. Are we done now?"  
  
Looking slightly confused, Bilbo gathers his stuff and leaves.  
  
"Bilbo, the ring is still in your pocket."  
  
Bilbo drops the ring inside the door after fingering it for a moment, and then heads out the door, Gandalf following.   
  
"I've thought up an ending for my book. And he lived happily ever after until the end of his days."  
  
"And I'm sure you will, Bilbo." was Gandalf's reply.   
  
Bilbo left and Gandalf headed back inside.   
  
"I wouldn't try to pick up the ring if I were you. You'll just see a big fiery eye," Laina warns.   
  
He ignored her and bends to pick it up. Sure enough..... "Ow!"  
  
"Told ya so. Now go sit in front of the fire, smoke a bit, try to figure out what's going on, don't bother asking me, even though I know, and be a good Maiar."  
  
Gandalf was doing just that when Frodo burst through the door. "Bilbo?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah, he's gone." He was met at the door by Laina. "He's gone to stay with the elves in Rivendell, he's left you Bag End...put the ring in the envelope....good boy....now Gandalf has to leave....keep it secret, keep it safe. The ring I meant."  
  
"What she said," Gandalf says, getting ready to leave, too busy thinking about the ring to even bother wondering how she knew this.  
  
"But I don't understand!" Frodo exclaims, chasing after Gandalf.  
  
"Neither do I Frodo," was the response.  
  
He went back inside, trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
"Hey, um, Frodo, can I stay with you for a while?"  
  
Laina was met with an exasperated glance and Frodo's retreating back.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes!" she yells after him.  
  
  
  
***And another chapter! Go Cas! (You realize I'm doing this to annoy you!)***  
1 


	3. Off to Bree we go!

Chapter 3: Off to Bree we go!  
  
Sam and Frodo leave The Green Dragon and say good-bye to Rosie. Sam is more than a little tipsy. As they walk up the road towards Bag End, Laina runs up, pushes Sam in a ditch, and runs away, giggling.   
  
She looks different, although it's definitely still her. Her hair is up in a swinging ponytail, but it's longer now. Also, as opposed to the jeans and tank top she was wearing before, she's now wearing black sweat pants and a tight red shirt.   
  
Sighing with exasperation, Frodo pulls Sam out of the ditch. He's more or less gotten used to Laina by now. He bids Sam good night, and continues up towards Bag End.   
  
He goes in the house, which has a creepy feel to it. He feels that someone is there. "Laina?" he call out.  
  
Suddenly someone grabs his shoulder, scaring him, and demands "Is it secret, is it safe?"  
  
"Gandalf! What are you talking about?"  
  
"The ring stupid," says Laina, as she pops out, grinning. "You should have seen your face."  
  
"Don't tell me she's still here." Gandalf groans.  
  
"Nice to see you too!" she shoots back. "Heey, I thought you were supposed to come back some 20 odd years later."  
  
"It has been some 20 odd years later." Gandalf answers.  
  
"Than why haven't I aged at all?" she demands.  
  
"Look, this isn't important right now-Frodo, do you still have the ring?"  
  
"Yes, it's right here." Frodo burrows through his trunk until he pulls it out, still in the same envelope.   
  
Gandalf grabs it and throws it into the fire  
  
"Hey-" Frodo starts  
  
"Oh relax short stuff, nothing's going to happen to it."   
  
Sure enough Gandalf pulls it out of the fire after a few minutes, and it's completely unharmed. He convinces Frodo to take it, and asks if there's anything written on it.  
  
"No," Frodo says, and Gandalf breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
"Yes there is....in Mordor writing...very few people can read it but I know what it says! One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. See? Right there! You should have seen is sooner!" Laina admonishes.   
  
"Then it is as it feared."  
  
"Oh, spare me the melodrama. It's the One Ring....wow."  
  
"The One Ring? What's going on?" Frodo asks, confused.  
  
"This is boring. I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when you grab Sam." Laina goes into a bedroom and curls up on the bed. She sleeps for a few minutes then comes back in just as Gandalf is telling Frodo that he has to take the ring to Bree.  
  
"Duck," she says, yawning.  
  
They both look at her for an explanation.  
  
"Sam is outside the window, but you don't know it's him. So you're supposed to tell Frodo to get down and then you grab him."  
  
Gandalf looks at her than reaches out the window and grabs Sam.   
  
"Don't me mean to him....he didn't mean to overhear you...he was just cutting the grass, even though it's really late....just send him with Frodo...he could use a buddy, I think I might annoy him too much." Laina mumbles as she tries to wake herself up.  
  
"Fine, all three of you go to Mordor I-"  
  
"What? You're sending her with us? Are you insane??" Frodo shrieks.  
  
"Oh, come on Frodo, you know I'll show up anyway...I might as well just come along."  
  
"But, but, but" Frodo splutters.  
  
Gandalf just sighs and rolls his eyes. "I'm going to see the head of my class. He is both wise and powerful..."  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Laina warns. "He's lock you up and try to kill you. He's fallen to the ring."  
  
"Silly girl. You know not of what you speak."  
  
"Ooh, fancy words. Fine don't listen to me. But I'm telling ya..."  
  
Gandalf takes Sam, Frodo and Laina into the woods and then leaves on his horse. (a/n: it's not Shadowfax at that point, is it?).  
  
Laina, Sam and Frodo are walking across country when Sam suddenly stops at a random scarecrow. Frodo stops and looks at him, but Laina just heaves an exaggerated sigh.   
  
"That's nice Sam, but just keep moving."  
  
"One more step-"  
  
"Look, Sam, we care, really, we do....but, we don't. Just keep walking...."  
  
"And it's the farthest I'll have ever been from the Shire." he finishes, glaring at Laina.  
  
"Wow, you don't get out much, do you? Now move it!" she yells, pushing him and they continue.   
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf heads towards Orthanc to speak with Saruman.   
  
"Dark grows the day and Gandalf rides forth to seek my council. For that is why you have come, is it not old friend?"  
  
"Do you have any idea how little sense that makes?? Like, at all? You can't be narrating and talking to Gandalf at the same time. And even if you were talking to Gandalf the whole time, how would he have heard you when he was riding up the path. It doesn't make sense!"  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"Ooh, your all-powerfulness didn't tell you that, did it? I'm Laina!"  
  
"Why are you here?? I thought I sent you with the hobbits!!" Gandalf was very agitated.   
  
"You did, but come on Gandy, it's me."  
  
"Anyway, Saruman and I need to talk...why don't you go....away."  
  
"I'm warning you, that's a really bad idea....but if you insist...."  
  
Gandalf and Saruman walk around the grounds of Orthanc, and Gandalf tells of the discovery of the ring. Saruman takes him inside, and uncovers the Seeing Stone.  
  
"Hey cool! It's a lost Palantíri! Guess what Gandalf....Saruman's lost his will to the ring! He's been tricking you all along! He uses this to talk to Sauron!" Laina seems perfectly alright with this, laughing as she throws some of Saruman's stuff around.  
  
"Is this true Saruman?" Gandalf demands.  
  
"I-I-I-yes. Face it Gandalf. The dark side is going to win. Join me Luke! Er-ah-I mean....we should join Sauron, so we don't die."  
  
"Tell me friend when did Saruman the wise abandon reason for madness?"  
  
"Well, gee whiz, if you're going to be like that about it, I'll just have to kick your ass."  
  
Gandalf and Saruman start fighting with their staffs while Laina laughs at the thought that they're not actually touching each other. "I tried to warn you..." she gasps.  
  
Eventually Saruman gets Gandalf's staff and gives Gandalf one last chance to turn to the dark side. Unfortunately for him, Gandalf refuses, and Saruman throws him at the ceiling.  
  
"Ouch. That's really going to hurt in the morning."  
  
Sam and Frodo are walking through the cornfield when Laina appears again. "Did you miss me?" she asks.  
  
Frodo and Sam just look at her like the answer is obvious and keep walking. After awhile, they go through a bend in the path and when Sam and Laina go through, Frodo isn't there.  
  
"Dun dun duuuuuuun." Laina sings out.  
  
Sam immediately begins to scream and panic. "Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!!" he yells, running around in circles.  
  
"Sam, calm down!" Laina yells, trying to get him to stop hyperventilating. Luckily, Frodo comes back before he passes out.  
  
"Sam, what's wrong?" he asks calmly.  
  
"It's just something that the old dude said," Sam replies.  
  
"He said not to lose you, Frodo." Laina says, cutting the conversation off.  
  
"We're still in the Shire, Sam," Frodo says, trying to ignore Laina. "What could possibly happen?"  
"Famous last words," Laina mutters. Then she steps back and says, in a happy, perky, "cheerleader" voice, "This!"  
  
With perfect timing, Merry and Pippin fly through the fields and knock over Sam and Frodo. Laina starts laughing uncontrollably, because when this scene is watched in slow motion, Frodo gets hit in the mouth with lettuce.  
  
Picking themselves up, Pippin realises that it's Frodo, and says so to Merry.  
  
"Sure, blatantly ignore me." Laina says, grinning.  
  
"Laina!" the two younger hobbits scream and they hug like a reunion of...people who haven't seen each other in a long time.  
  
While they act like fools, Sam looks around and realises what's going on. "You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!" he accuses.   
  
"Well, duh!" Laina says. "What did you think? They were just randomly frolicking through his cornfield?"  
  
Before Sam can retort back, they hear Farmer Maggot coming.  
  
"Be a dear and hold these, Sam." says Pippin, while he and Merry pile vegetables into his arms. Then they grab Frodo and run off, with Laina right behind them.   
  
Sam being the idiot he is, waits until Farmer Maggot is about two feet away before dropping the veggies and running after them.  
  
Pippin is ahead of everyone and stops just before rolling off the edge of the hill. Merry and Frodo slam into him, but they still manage to stay on. Laina, knowing what will happen, moves out of the way and yells at them to look out.  
  
Sam comes running up not looking, and slams into the back of Frodo, knocking them all off the hill, except for Laina.  
  
She watches them roll down the hill then slides down after them, laughing all the way.   
  
The hobbits untangle themselves. Frodo gets up and looks down the road. Pippin and Merry say something about that being close, and look through the broken vegetables. Sam picks himself up, muttering about trusting a Brandybuck and a Took.   
  
"That's not nice, Sam! You should never judge people by their last name. That's discrimination. No discrimination would make the world a better place!" Laina admonishes.  
  
"Besides," Merry adds. "It was a shortcut."  
  
"A shortcut?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"To what, exactly?"  
  
"Mushrooms!" Pippin excitedly interrupts, spotting some a few feet away.   
  
The three of them run to the mushrooms, but Laina spots Frodo looking down the road. Suddenly remembering what's about to happen, she screams and panics, yelling about the black riders.   
  
"Get off the road!" Frodo calls, but the other 3 hobbits are to busy picking mushrooms, and Laina is rooted to the spot-she really doesn't like the Nazgûl.   
  
"Get off the road! Quick!" he yells, and this time they listen. The hobbits run to hide under a tree, and Pippin grabs Laina, who finally comes to her senses.  
  
The Nazgûl comes and stops right by the tree. The hobbits and Laina try to be perfectly silent, and Frodo starts to be drawn to the ring.  
  
Laina is squished between Merry and Sam, and gets really upset when the bugs start to come out. As the spider crawls down Merry's shoulder, she almost screams, as she's terrified of spiders.  
  
Laina pokes Sam on the shoulder and motions to him to stop Frodo from taking the ring. Sam reaches over and grabs Frodo's arm just as Merry throws the bag of mushrooms to distract the Black Rider. They all get up and run as fast and as far as they can.  
  
When they finally stop to rest, it's dark.   
  
"What's going on?" Pippin asks, trying to get Laina to stop crying.  
  
"What was that?" Merry demands, while Frodo tries to think of what to say.  
  
"Black Rider...scary...I hate it..." Laina sobs.  
  
"That Black Rider was looking for something...or someone. Frodo?" Merry continues.  
  
"Sam and I have to get to Bree." Frodo finally answers. "And I suppose we really should take her with us." he adds.  
  
Merry takes a minute to digest this, and then nods. "The Buckleberry Ferry," he suggests.  
  
As they head for the ferry, several Black Riders give chase. They try to cut off Frodo, but he gets away. They all keep running, but Frodo is far behind. When the others reach the ferry, they set off, screaming for him to hurry. He jumps from the dock and the Black Riders stop.  
  
Laina, despite how scared she is, starts to laugh, causing strange looks from the hobbits. "I'm sorry," she giggles. "But wouldn't it be funny if Frodo missed the ferry and landed in the water?"  
  
  
  
1 


	4. Off to Rivendell we go!

Wow! Chapter 4 already!  
  
Warning: Arwen Bashing in this chapter. I like Arwen, really I do, I just don't like Liv Tyler's portrayal, and the fact that she stole Glorfindel's part.  
  
Glorfindel: And horse!  
  
Right, and his horse.  
  
Disclaimer: I own me! Uh huh. But that's it :( I don't even own the teddy bear, which I really wish I did!  
  
Flames will be used to make caramel apples!  
  
Chapter 4: Off to Rivendell we go!  
  
The hobbits and Laina reach the gates of Bree and knock. The gatekeeper looks out and sees this... unusual... company.  
  
"What do you want?" he demands.  
  
"We're heading for the Prancing Pony." Frodo responds, sounding more confident than he actually is. "Our business is our own."  
  
"Geez, calm down, I didn't mean to insult you." the gatekeeper answers.  
  
They walk through Bree, heading for the inn. Men turn to look at the odd group as they walk by, sometimes bumping into people.  
  
"Gross, you stink," Laina mutters, as they walk pass one man.  
  
They enter the inn, trying to keep out of the way.  
  
"Hey, Butterbur, is Gandalf here?" Laina asks. "You know, the old guy... long beard, tall hat, wears grey... "  
  
After thinking a moment, Butterbur realises who she's talking about. "Ooh, Gandalf... he hasn't been here for almost six months."  
  
"How'd I guess?" mutters Laina, while the hobbits exchange looks.  
  
A few minutes later, Pippin, Sam, Frodo and Laina are sitting at a table with some drinks. Frodo tries to console Sam but isn't very successful.  
  
Merry soon joins them carrying a big (for a hobbit) mug of beer.  
  
Pippin stares at him in awe. "What's that?"  
  
"This, my friend, is a pint." Merry responds, looking very proud of himself.  
  
"I want one!" Pippin runs off to order one.  
  
"Don't have too much!" Laina calls after him. "You can end up with cir...uh...alcohol diseases."  
  
"See that guy in the corner Frodo?" Sam asks. "He's done nothing but stare at you since we came in."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about him. It's just.never mind," Laina sighs, realizing there's almost no point in explaining, as they won't listen to her anyway.  
  
Frodo stops Butterbur and asks who the man is. Butterbur tells them that he's a ranger, considered quite dangerous as he roams the wild. He's called Strider.  
  
As Frodo sits there thinking, the ring starts to call to him. He can hear it whispering he name over and over.  
  
"Um, Frodo? That's not the ring. That's Pippin. He's giving away your real name." Laina tells him.  
  
"Pippin! No!" Frodo yells, running over to stop him. Pippin pushes him away, and he falls to the floor. The ring lands on his finger and he disappears.  
  
"How convenient." Laina comments. "The ring just happens to land on his finger. Wow. Didn't see that coming." She goes and orders an apple juice while she waits for Frodo to reappear and Aragorn to drag him away.  
  
After a couple of minutes, Frodo reappears and Aragorn drags him away. More specifically, towards the stairs.  
  
"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," he says.  
  
"Duh, Aragorn. You know perfectly well that his name isn't Mr. Underhill. His real name is Frodo Baggins." Laina interrupts.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"I'm Laina. Now go take Frodo so your room so that Sam, Merry and Pippin can come 'rescue' him. Shh, let them think they're doing a good job. It keeps them happy."  
  
Confused, Aragorn heads to his room and takes Frodo with him.  
  
"Who are you?" Frodo demands.  
  
"He's Aragorn, and the future ki-"  
  
"Shut up you stupid girl!" Aragorn cuts her off before she can give away his whole life story.  
  
"How did you, um, disappear like that? I can avoid being seen, but I don't know how to disappear. That is no cheap toy you have." Laina had unnerved Aragorn so much that he had forgotten what he had meant to say.  
  
"You forgot to tell him he should be scared and that you know what hunts him." Laina reminds him. She glances at her watch.  
  
"Thank you," he responds sourly.  
  
Just then the remaining hobbits burst through the door to save Frodo.  
  
"About time!" Laina exclaims. "I've had to listen to them rambling for about 5 minutes now."  
  
Aragorn continues with his line. "You're brave hobbits, but that wont help you. They are coming-"  
  
"Dun, dun, duuuuuun," Laina yells ominously.  
  
"You cannot wait for Gandalf any longer." Aragorn finishes, ignoring her.  
  
Just then, a muffled thud is heard from the closet. Aragorn draws his sword, the hobbits get ready to 'fight' with their improvised weapons, and Laina looks confused.  
  
Aragorn silently walks over to the closet and with a yell, opens the door. Out falls-  
  
"Molly?!?" Laina yells in surprise.  
  
A girl with medium length blond hair and blue eyes looks up slightly shocked. "Hi," she says, laughing sheepishly.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Laina asks, laughing at the situation.  
  
"Stalking Aragorn!" Molly responds, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.  
  
"I should have known." Laina laughs.  
  
"Ummm, who is Aragorn?" Sam asks.  
  
For the first time, Molly notices the hobbits standing there looking confused.  
  
"Eeeee!" she squeals. "They're so cute!!" she runs over and grabs Merry. She hugs him until he starts to turn blue.  
  
"I can't breathe," he gasps out, trying to get some air.  
  
"Sure you can!" Molly insists, hugging him tighter.  
  
"No, Molly, he really can't. He's turning blue," Laina jumps in. (a/n: that actually happened to me! Hawco was choking me with his scarf and he didn't believe me that I couldn't breathe and Meighan had to save me!)  
  
"Oh right, sorry," Molly says, reluctantly letting go.  
  
"It's alright," Merry chokes out, fighting for air.  
  
"Wait...you were stalking me?!?" Aragorn demands.  
  
"Uh huh." Molly answers.  
  
"Molly, you have to go now. This chapter is starting to get too long."  
  
"Okay!" Molly says as she disappears.  
  
Later that night, Sam, Merry and Pippin are asleep while Aragorn and Frodo are talking. Laina is sitting on the floor reading "The Fellowship of the Ring". Every once in a while, she looks up and mutters something like, "This is so wrong."  
  
Suddenly everyone jumps as a loud shriek is heard. Laina shivers without thinking. "Great. The Black Riders are here on roller blades."  
  
"What are they?" Frodo asks.  
  
"The Nazgul, Ringwraiths, dead and alive at the same time. They were once great kings, until Sauron corrupted them with the nine rings. Now they are bound to the one ring, and will never stop chasing you for it." Aragorn tells them.  
  
"I could have told you that," Laina mutters.  
  
The next day they are walking.  
  
"Into the wild we go..." Laina sings tunelessly.  
  
"How do we know we can trust him?" Merry asks Frodo.  
  
"Um, he can hear you." Laina tells them. "Besides, he's cool, trust me, I know this stuff."  
  
"But where is he taking us?" Sam questions, joining the conversation.  
  
"To Rivendell." Aragorn answers.  
  
"Told ya he could hear you." Laina reminds them.  
  
Sam is awestruck. "Rivendell. We're going to see the elves!"  
  
"No, see, actually Sam, the elves all left when they heard you were coming. So sorry." she walks off laughing while Sam glares at her.  
  
Aragorn pauses at the top of the hill to look around. When he looks back the hobbits have stopped.  
  
Laina rolls her eyes. "Let me save you the trouble." she tells Aragorn. "No stopping until it gets dark. We've already had breakfast."  
  
"But what about second breakfast?" Pippin asks. Aragorn just ignores him and keeps walking.  
  
"Well, that was uncalled for! How rude!" Pippin says, outraged.  
  
"He doesn't know about those Pippin. He doesn't know about elevenses or any of your other meals either."  
  
Pippin looks shocked. He doesn't even see the apple that Merry catches for him before he keeps walking.  
  
"Hey, Pippin, duck!" Laina calls to him.  
  
"Duck? Where?" he asks. Then, as another apple hits him, "Ouch!!"  
  
"Pippin!" Frodo yells in exasperation.  
  
"Hey!" Laina yells. "Where did Bill the Pony come from? He wasn't here a minute ago. He just appeared." she keeps walking, muttering about how messed up everything is.  
  
***Meanwhile in Orthanc....***  
  
Saruman looks into the Palantir, to ask Sauron what he wants him to do.  
  
"Woah, dude, where'd you get that manicure?" Laina asks. "I could use one."  
  
"What are you doing here?" he demands.  
  
"Annoying you."  
  
"Right." he continues speaking with Sauron.  
  
Later, Saruman is sitting on his chair looking pissed and constipated when two orcs come in and ask what they are to do.  
  
"We are to build an army for Sauron."  
  
"Um, Saruman, I know you think that if you help Sauron win, you'll be able to overthrow him, but it doesn't work that way. You really don't have to do this." Laina tries to stop him.  
  
"Go away you foolish girl."  
  
"I've seen this before, I know what happens, and trust me, it doesn't look good for you."  
  
He ignores her, and sends the orcs off.  
  
Outside, the orcs are ripping up the trees.  
  
"Stop it!!" Laina is screaming at them. She runs around, kicking orcs in the shins. "You're hurting them! Damn fucking, stupid, bloody, stinky, ugly orcs!"  
  
On top of Orthanc, Gandalf wakes up. He looks over the edge and sees the destruction below. He's surprised to see Laina actually trying to do something constructive. Saruman walks around supervising the orcs.  
  
"The trees are strong and their roots are deep." an orc tells him. "Plus there's a really annoying girl running around and kicking us in the shins."  
  
"Rip them all down." Saruman replies. "And ignore the girl. She'll go away...eventually."  
  
It starts to rain and Gandalf huddles up in his cloak against the rain and cold.  
  
"Here."  
  
He looks up in surprise as a big white duvet is thrown at him.  
  
"You look so pitiful and cold." Laina explains before leaving.  
  
*** Back in the Wild***  
  
Aragorn, Laina and the hobbits continue walking. Finally they stop. "We will rest here for the night." Aragorn tells them.  
  
"Wow. The old watchtower of Amon Sul." Laina says. Aragorn looks at her, surprised that she actually knows something.  
  
"What?" she demands. "I'm not as completely stupid as everybody thinks."  
  
"I don't think you're stupid!!" Pippin exclaims.  
  
"Good." she answers. "I'm glad someone likes me."  
  
"I like you too!" Merry says, not to be left out.  
  
"Yay!" she yells, and hugs them while glaring at Aragorn. Up on the watchtower, Aragorn gives the hobbits swords.  
  
"Don't I get one?" Laina demands.  
  
"No, sorry, I only have four."  
  
"Fine then! If the Ringwraiths come I'll just attack hem with my bloody fingernails." she yells and then promptly disappears.  
  
They look around, surprised she's gone. "I'm going to take a look around." Aragorn tells the hobbits, still wondering where she went to.  
  
Later that night, Frodo awakes to the smell of smoke.  
  
"What are you doing?" he demands.  
  
"We made food!" Pippin says proudly.  
  
"We saved you some." Sam adds.  
  
"Put it out!" Frodo screams, running over and stamping out the fire with his foot.  
  
"Careful Frodo. Wouldn't want to set your foot-hairs on fire." Laina says, yawning as she appears out of nowhere. She is wearing pink flannel pyjamas with yellow duckies all over them and pink fluffy slippers. Her hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail on top of her head. She also has a teddy bear that comes up to her shoulders and is bigger than the hobbits.  
  
The hobbits are looking at her odd outfit when a loud shriek causes them all to look out.  
  
"The Nazgul are coming!!!" Laina screams and hugs her teddy bear. The hobbits grab her and they run to the top of Amon Sul.  
  
They wait, looking out for The Nazgul and before long they come.  
  
"Go away!" Laina yells, and throws her teddy bear at them, which they slice through with their swords.  
  
"You killed Fuzzy Wuzzy!" she screams and runs over to save him. The Ringwraiths ignore her and go after the hobbits. After pushing Sam, Merry and Pippin out of the way, they head towards Frodo, who drops his sword.  
  
"Oh. My. god. How did you manage to drop your sword??" Laina asks.  
  
Frodo keeps walking backwards until he falls on his back.  
  
"You are pitiful. PITIFUL!!" Laina yells at him.  
  
Frodo puts on the ring.  
  
"Hey, Head Honcho Ringwraith dude, please don't stab Frodo. It's bad enough you killed Fuzzy Wuzzy."  
  
The Nazgul don't listen to her, and stab Frodo anyway. Right then Aragorn jumps up to fight the Nazgul off.  
  
"Would it have killed you to come all of 30 seconds earlier?" Laina demands.  
  
Frodo pulls off the ring and screams in pain. While Aragorn is fighting the Ringwraiths, the hobbits run over the try and help Frodo.  
  
"Oh, Sam." Frodo cries.  
  
"Platonic!!!" a distinctly female voice screams from apparently nowhere.  
  
"Don't look at me," Laina calls over. "I didn't say anything that time."  
  
Laina runs over with Teddy.  
  
"Here Frodo. You can have Teddy. He'll make you feel better. Except he's dead !" she starts to cry.  
  
After Aragorn fights off the rest of the Nazgul, he comes to look at Frodo's wound. "I can't help him. We have to take him to the elves in Rivendell." As they run through the wild, Frodo calls out for Gandalf.  
  
In Orthanc, a moth flies around. He goes to the top of the tower, where Gandalf is sitting, huddled up. As the moth flies by, Gandalf reaches out and grabs it.  
  
"Don't eat it!" Laina cautions. "It might be poison."  
  
Gandalf just glares at her. "Shut up!" he hisses.  
  
"Okay, he's been up here alone way to long." she says to nobody in particular. "He's talking to moths."  
  
Gandalf releases the moth and it flies down towards the pits Saruman has created. Saruman is walking through them, supervising the orcs' work.  
  
"I can't believe this!" a high pitched voice screams. "You killed all those trees just so you could make some stupid metal helmets and dig some orcs out of the dirt? What's wrong with you?"  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you to go away?" Saruman demands. "I'll do what I want!"  
  
"Fine then!" Laina yells and stomps off. Her fluffy slippers don't make as much noise as she'd like them to, so she knocks over a pile of helmets as she goes.  
  
Back in the wild, the company rests.  
  
"Is he going to die?" Pippin asks, worried.  
  
"He's turning into a shadow man... dude... hobbit... whatever, like the Ringwraiths, because he was stabbed by their blade." Laina tells him.  
  
Aragorn once more looks surprised at her knowledge. "Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?" he asks.  
  
"Athelas?"  
  
"Kingsfoil, the weed. It might help slow the poison." Laina tells him.  
  
"Yes." Aragorn and Sam head off to look for some.  
  
While Aragorn is cutting some loose, a sword comes to his neck. "What's this? A ranger? Caught off his guard?" a female voice asks.  
  
"No. He's an orc." Laina replies sarcastically. "He smells like one, anyway." she adds under her breath.  
  
Frodo is lying on the ground, trying to catch his breath when a beautiful elf maiden (a/n:yeah, sure...)all in white rides up to him. She seems to bring light with her.  
  
"I'm Arwen. Listen to me. Come back to the light." she tells him.  
  
"Who is she?" Merry asks.  
  
"She's an elf." Sam answers, awestruck.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious." Laina mutters. "We know she's an elf. The problem is, she's not the right elf!" Laina starts to cry. "I want my Glorfindel!!" She runs over to Arwen, and starts to hit her.  
  
In a dark corner in Rivendell, Glorfindel looks up. "I have a fan?" he asks, disbelieving.  
  
"Of course you have a fan!" Laina yells, because, being Laina, she heard him. "I'm even going to start a we-love-Glorfindel fan club!"  
  
"Somebody loves me!" Glorfindel cheers, and starts to sing he's so happy. "My gift is your song, and this one's for you..."  
  
(a/n: Moulin Rouge, my favorite movie-after this of course. If you haven't seen it yet, then go see it. If you have, then Glorfindel sings like Ewan.)  
  
"The first thing we're going to do is kill the bitch Arwen who stole your part!"  
  
"And my horse!" Glorfindel adds.  
  
"And your horse." Laina reassures him.  
  
"Hey watch it. That's my girlfriend that you're threatening to kill." Aragorn defends her.  
  
"Besides, you can't kill me now. I'm the faster rider." Arwen pouts.  
  
"No way, I am." Aragorn whines.  
  
They start to bicker.  
  
"Oh would you shut up?" Laina orders. "We all know Glorfindel is faster than both of you. And so are your brothers, if it comes to that."  
  
"Well Glorfindel isn't here now, is he? And neither are the twins. Besides, if I can get Frodo across the Ford, the power of my people will protect him." she giggles. "Doesn't that sound so powerful and stuff?"  
  
"Oh fine," Aragorn sighs and hands Arwen Frodo, after she gets on Asfaloth.  
  
(In Rivendell: "MY HORSE!!" Glorfindel yells)  
  
"Are you mad?" Sam demands. "Those wraiths are still out there!" "Oh, and I'm sure it'll be much easier for them to catch up to an elf on a horse than to a man on foot carrying a hobbit and dragging 3 others behind him." Laina says as she rolls her eyes.  
  
"Do you really think so?" Sam asks.  
  
"No!"  
  
Aragorn leans against a tree. "Oh, my head, I feel so dizzy...what just happened?" he asks. He looks around in a panic. "Where's Frodo??"  
  
(a/n: Just in case you didn't get it, Aragorn was waaay out of character in that last bit, that's why he's so dizzy and doesn't have a clue what's going on...)  
  
"Noro Lim Asfaloth!" Arwen urges (GLORFINDEL'S) horse on.  
  
The Blackriders chase after her as she tries to lose them.  
  
"Back you devils!" Laina yells at them. "Oh yeah. Sorry Sam! I stole your line!" she screams.  
  
"Noro Lim" Arwen keeps saying.  
  
"Could you please say something else?" Laina requests. "That's starting to get old."  
  
Just when it seems the Blackriders might catch up to them, Arwen crosses the ford. The Ringwraiths stop on the far side.  
  
"Give up the Halfling, She-Elf," the leader commands.  
  
"You mean she's a she? And all this time I thought she was a man." Laina says, receiving a glare from Arwen. "What? I was kidding!"  
  
"If you want him, come and claim him!" she tells the Wraiths.  
  
"Yet another powerful line." Laina says, rolling her eyes. As the Ringwraiths start across the Ford, Arwen mutters in Elvish.  
  
"Translation?" Laina offers. "Daddy! Help me. Boo hoo. I can't do this on my own. I stole Glorfindel's part. Waaah, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me Glorfindel!"  
  
The water in the Ford starts to rise, and the water horses come and sweep the Wraiths away.  
  
"Neigh!" Laina cheers them on.  
  
Arwen is sitting on her horse looking very proud of herself, when Frodo starts gasping for breath.  
  
"No, Frodo, don't give in now." Arwen whines. "I was so close to proving to everyone I could do it!"  
  
Laina rolls her eyes yet again.  
  
"What grace has given me..." Arwen begins.  
  
"Oh, spare me the melodrama." Laina says, and walks away, fluffy slippers scuffing the ground. 


	5. The Nameless Chapter because

Chapter 5!! Yaaay! Oh, I decided to be nicer to Arwen from now on. I do like her, even in the movie, it's just that she stole Glorfindel's part, and I had to bash her for that. Also, if you're wondering where the twins are, they're both sitting on either side of Elrond.  
  
Oh, if you want the lyrics to Come What May, send me an e-mail (purplelightning_bolt@hotmail.com) or leave a review and I'll send them to you.  
  
And to my adoring reviews (HA!):  
  
Fancy Face: I'm glad you like it! Laina had (is having) lots of fun in Rivendell! Yes she did (is)!!  
  
Lady Blackfire: You got kicked out of a library? Hee! I'm sorry, but that greatly amuses me. Yay! I got someone kicked out of a library. I'm funny! Yay! Anyways, yes...I'm glad you liked it!  
  
Empress: I'm glad you liked it and found it so funny! ^__^ It's fun writing it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own me. And the pizza. I own the pizza. Other than that, nothing.  
  
Flames will be used to heat my house.  
  
  
Chapter 5: The Nameless Chapter (because "Frodo wakes up" or "The Council" is too unoriginal).  
  
Frodo tosses and turns, on the brink of waking up.  
  
"Where am I? What time is it?"  
  
"In Rivendell, and it's 10:00 in the morning, on October the 24." a familiar voice kindly tells him.  
  
"October the 24?" Laina yells, as Frodo fully wakes up. "I think today's my cousin's birthday. Or is it the 25? Maybe the 23? I don't know. It might be the 9. Something like that." Laina wanders off, trying to remember.  
  
"Right. Why didn't you meet us Gandalf?" Frodo asks.  
  
"Saruman loved him too much to let him go!" Laina yells from outside the room.  
  
Gandalf spaces out, remembering what happened on top of Orthanc.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Join the dark side! The dark side will prevail!" Saruman tells Gandalf, throwing him around the top of the tower with his staff.  
  
"No Gandalf! Don't listen to him!!" Laina screams. "Evil never wins!" She is dressed in a long white dress with long bell sleeves and a V-neck. Her hair is down, and brushed and hangs almost half way down her back. She has on a headband that has a halo on it. Laina snaps her fingers, and suddenly Saruman is dressed all in red with a pointy tail. He has a headband with pointy ears on it, and his staff has turned into a devil's stick thing.  
  
"Get me out of this ridiculous outfit!" Saruman insists.  
  
"But it suits you so perfectly!" Laina insists.  
  
"NOW!"  
  
"Oh, all right." she says, snapping her fingers.  
  
"As I was saying, join the dark side! Bua*coughcough*ha!" Saruman yells, balancing Gandalf on the side of the tower.  
  
"Um, Saruman. There's only ONE dark lord. And he isn't going to share power. Oops, sorry Gandalf. I stole your line," Laina says.  
  
"I will never join the dark side!" Gandalf says, trying to make up for his last line.  
  
"Fine then," Saruman shrugs. "Your loss."  
  
But before he can throw Gandalf off the tower, Gandalf jumps off. Saruman runs to the edge to see Gandalf fly off on Gwaihir, the eagle.  
  
"Hey Gandalf, wait for me!" Laina yells, running off the edge.   
  
"Where's MY eagle?" she screams, as she plummets towards the ground, still in her angel costume.  
  
Luckily, (or maybe not for the people...elves....er... creatures she annoys) she lands on a random placed trampoline. The random placed trampoline also happened to squish a few orcs.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"Gandalf?" Frodo asks, bringing him out of his daydreams.  
  
"FRODO!" Sam screams, running to his side. Frodo can hardly believe it.   
  
"We were so worried about you. I only left because I was hungry." Sam tells him.  
  
"Thanks to Elrond, you're a lot better." Gandalf tells Frodo as Elrond comes up.  
  
"Hey Elrond!" Laina yells, entering the room behind Sam. "Remember me?"  
  
Suddenly she screams and falls to the floor writhing.  
  
"Um, are you okay?" he asks.  
  
"Oh yeah, sorry." she says, standing up again. "Your forehead was kind of reflecting the light for a minute and burning my eyes."  
  
"You're the girl from the First War!" he says, shocked. "And you're still alive? But aren't you a Man?"  
  
"No. I'm a woman," she retorts, sticking her tongue out at him. "Girl power!" she yells ditzily.  
  
"How can you still be alive?"  
  
"Don't get her started, please," Gandalf, Frodo and Sam beg.  
  
"Welcome to Rivendell!" Laina yells before dancing off.  
  
Frodo wanders around Rivendell with Sam, in awe of its beauty. Suddenly Merry and Pippin run up to him and hug him.  
"Hey Frodo. Everything is in slow motion!" Pippin shouts. "Isn't this cool?"  
  
Then Frodo notices Bilbo, sitting on a bench down the path. "Bilbo!" he shouts, and runs to greet him.  
"Aww, isn't that cute? He's visiting his uncle who looks like a nursing home patient." Laina walks up to them. Her hair is down for once and she's wearing jeans and a blue t-shirt with the Empire State Building on the front and NEW YORK in big sparkly letters. She's eating a huge piece of pepperoni pizza.  
  
"What's that?" Pippin asks, staring in awe at the pizza while Frodo and Bilbo talk.  
  
"Pizza."  
  
"But what is it?" he persists.  
  
"It's like flat bread with tomato sauce and melted cheese on it and then whatever toppings you want on top."  
  
"What's on yours?"  
  
"Bacon and mushrooms."  
  
"Mushrooms??" his eyes grow dangerously wide, until Laina is worried they'll fall out of his head.  
  
"Uh-huh,"  
  
"Could I have a piece?" he asks.  
  
"Sure," she tells him.  
  
"Hey what about me?" Merry demands.  
  
"Of course," she answers, and with a snap of her fingers they both have a large piece of bacon and mushroom pizza.  
  
"This is so good!" Pippin exclaims with his mouth full.  
  
"I know." she says, smiling as she walks off and muttering about hooking cute little hobbits on pizza. (a/n: don't ask. It's just this weird thing I have. I've always wanted to give hobbits-actually Merry and Pippin, pizza.)  
  
After speaking with Bilbo, Frodo walks over to Sam, who is packing.  
  
"Getting ready to leave so soon?" Frodo asks, surprised.  
  
"Well, yes." Sam replies.  
  
"I thought you wanted to see the elves."  
  
"I do."  
  
"More than anything."  
  
"I did, it's just that-"  
  
"Alright Sam, what did you break?" Laina accuses.  
  
"What? Nothing!"  
  
"Well, you must have broken something, why else would you be in such a hurry to leave?"  
  
"It's just that we brought that stupid ring, and I want to go home. I miss my daddy." Sam whines.  
  
"You know what Sam? You're right. I want to go home too." Frodo tells him.  
Gandalf and Elrond are watching them speak.  
  
"It's amazing how well Frodo has resisted the ring." Elrond says.  
  
"But he shouldn't have had to. He's been wounded and I will not ask him to bear the burden any longer!" Gandalf tells him.  
  
"Gandalf, Sauron's eye is fixed on Rivendell. His enemies are marching. And Saruman has betrayed you say. Our list of allies grows thin."  
  
"Hee! I love the way you say that!" Laina laughs. "Our list of allies grows thin."  
  
He ignores her. "Gandalf, my people are leaving-"  
  
"Don't go!" Laina screams. "You're so pretty! It will be so sad if you leave!! Please don't go!" she starts to cry.  
  
"Who will you get to help you when we're gone?" Elrond demands. "The dwarves who hide in their stinky mountains?"  
  
"Men!" Gandalf announces proudly.  
  
"Gandalf, I was there when men failed."  
  
***Flashback to the First War***  
  
"Isildur, come with me to the fires!" Elrond shouts at him as Isildur stares at the ring.  
  
"Okey-dokey!" Isildur agrees.  
"Isildur had this one chance to destroy evil forever." Laina narrates.  
  
"Hey! That's my line!" Galadriel yells from nowhere.  
  
"Sorry Galadriel!"  
  
"Isildur, throw the ring into the fire!"  
  
"No! I don't wanna anymore!" Isildur whines. "It's too shiny!" he says, and walks away.   
  
"Isildur, come back! You're messing things up!" Elrond pouts.  
  
"K, on the count of three we'll jump him and take the ring!" Laina says. "Ready, 1-2-THREE!"  
  
Pathetically, Laina misses completely, and almost falls into the fire. "Um, could someone please help me?" she asks, hanging on for dear life.  
  
Elrond feels bad for her and helps her up. It was something he would truly regret later.  
  
***Flashback to before the Flashback***  
  
"It did not happen like that!" Elrond shouts. "You made us sound like little kids!"  
  
"I know," Laina responds. "But I've heard this story so many times, and so has Gandalf. You never stop complaining about Men. So I decided to...liven it up a bit."  
  
"Liven it up," he mutters under his breath.  
  
"There is someone who would join Men together," Gandalf tells them.  
  
"He has chosen exile."  
  
"Dun, dun, duuuuuun," Laina sings. "Sorry," she responds to the looks they give her. "But you make it sound so ominous.  
  
In one of the halls, Aragorn is reading a book.  
  
"Whatcha reading?" Laina asks, bouncing in.  
  
"A book," he answers, trying to ignore her.  
  
"Oh, be mean then," she says, and wanders away.  
  
After awhile, Boromir wanders in, looking around. Aragorn looks up at him.  
  
"Why are you looking at him like that?"  
  
"What, like this?" Aragorn asks and makes a really stupid face, causing Laina to laugh.  
  
(a/n: I got bored with all the characters hating me, so I decided to make them like me, at least a little bit. So sue me.)  
  
Boromir looks over at them, rolls his eyes and continues looking around. Laina sticks her tongue out at him behind his back and Aragorn laughs.  
  
"The shards of Narsil!" Boromir exclaims, going over to them.  
  
"Ooh, shiny," Laina mocks him.  
  
He picks up the main piece, and runs his finger over it, cutting it. "And still sharp." he mutters.  
  
"Ya think?" asks sarcastically, causing Aragorn to laugh again.  
  
Boromir looks over at them, slightly embarrassed. "But no more than an old trinket." he says, hastily throwing it down and leaving. It falls from where he put it, and although he looks back, he keeps walking.  
  
"Would it have killed you to pick it up?" Laina yells after him, while Aragorn goes to gently put the sword back.  
  
"Why do you fear the past?" Arwen asks him, gliding up behind them.  
  
Laina yelps in surprise. "Don't scare me like that!" she admonishes Arwen.  
  
"Sorry. But really though. You're not Isildur, just his heir."  
  
"But the same blood flows through my veins."  
  
"Aww, that sounds so noble." Laina coos.  
  
Arwen and Aragorn start speaking in Elvish.   
  
"Um, do you mind repeating that in English?" Laina asks when they have finished.  
  
Later on that night, Arwen and Aragorn are standing on a bridge, talking.  
  
Laina wanders around, looking for Glorfindel. Finally she finds him and drags him over to some bushes nearby.   
  
"When I give you the cue, start singing Come What May with me," she whispers to him.  
  
"But I don't know the words," he whispers back.  
  
"Oh, right, here." She hands him a piece of paper with lyrics on it.  
  
After speaking in Elvish for a bit, Aragorn says, "You said you bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people,"  
  
"Ooh, her father's going to kill her!" Glorfindel whispers.  
  
Laina is starting to doubt that this is the "good" idea she had originally thought.  
  
"It is mine to give, as is my heart." Arwen finishes.  
  
Laina has decided that this definitely isn't the good idea that she had originally thought. She taps Glorfindel's shoulder to get him to quietly leave with her as Arwen and Aragorn kiss. Unfortunately, he thinks she means to start singing.  
  
"Never knew, I could feel like this, like I'd never seen the sky before!" he sings, quite loudly.   
  
Laina motions for him to shut up but he takes to mean to skip on to the chorus.  
  
"Come What May, Come What May, I will love you until my dying day!" Arwen is so surprised that she falls off the bridge and into the water, which luckily isn't that deep.  
  
"Run!" Laina yells to Glorfindel, dragging him off with her.   
  
The next day, the council is about to start when Laina bounds in. She's wearing lace up bell bottom jeans that almost completely cover her bare feet and a thick strap scarlet tank top.   
  
"Geez, you almost started without me!" she says, outraged.  
  
"That was intentional." Elrond mutters, not-so-discreetly.  
  
Suddenly she runs over to Elrohir and plops herself in his lap. "You're pretty!" she tells him, while he just looks at her, bewildered.   
  
"Don't worry. You're pretty too! I'd sit in your lap, but Meighan would kill me!" she yells over to Legolas, on the other side of the council. "Hey..." she mutters with an evil look on her face.  
  
"Oh no," Aragorn mutters.  
Suddenly a girl pops into Legolas' lap, who almost jumps up he's so surprised. The girl is short, Laina's height, and has short red hair and grey eyes. She's wearing red pyjamas.  
  
"Where am I?" she asks, looking sleepy. She quickly spots her friend. "Casey? What am I doing here? I was having the best dream..." she trails off as she suddenly realizes where she is.  
  
"Hi Meighan!" Laina chirps, beaming.  
  
Meighan looks around, blinks a bit, and then looks up at Legolas. "Eeeeee!" she squeals, causing the elves to wince and cover their ears. "It's Legolas!" she yells, so excited she can hardly talk. She promptly snuggles up to him and shows no sign of moving. Legolas half smiles and looks slightly confused. Laina just laughs.  
  
Aragorn grins at his Legolas, more or less used to Laina's... antics. "Let's continue then, shall we?" he asks Elrond.  
  
"Right." Elrond agrees, shaking his head and muttering about human females. "Frodo, bring forth the ring."  
  
Frodo places the ring on the table and everyone stares at it, except for Laina who looks at Frodo to see if the ring has had any effect on him yet.  
  
"It really exists!" Boromir all but shouts, and everybody looks at him. "Don't you understand? We can use this against Sauron!"  
  
There is some grumbling among the council, and Elrohir shifts and mutters something that sounds like 'dumbass humans.' Laina looks at him in surprise.  
  
"You cannot wield it, none of us can!" Aragorn tells Boromir. "The ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."  
  
"Eeeee, I love the way you say that!" Laina shrieks. Elrohir laughs at her.  
  
"And what would a ranger know of such matters?" Boromir demands.  
  
"This is no mere ranger!" Legolas yells, standing up and knocking Meighan off his lap. "This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn and you owe him your allegiance!" He suddenly realises poor Meighan is still sitting on the ground and helps her up with a hasty apology.  
  
"See? I told you so!!" Laina screams at Frodo  
  
***Flashback to Chapter 4 (I think?)***  
  
"Who are you?" Frodo demands.  
  
"He's Aragorn, and the future ki-"  
  
"Shut up you stupid girl!" Aragorn cuts her off before she can give away his whole life story.  
  
***Back at the Council***  
  
"Aragorn?" Boromir asks, disbelieving. "This is Isildur's heir?"  
"An heir to the throne of Gondor." Legolas continues.  
  
"Havodan, Legolas," Aragorn tells him.  
  
Legolas does so, letting Meighan sit in his lap again as an apology for knocking her to the ground.  
  
"That means 'sit down' in English for those of you who don't speak Elvish and who are to stupid to get that since that's what Legolas actually did *coughdwarvescough*," Laina said proudly from her seat in Elrohir's lap.   
  
The elves and humans can't help but laugh at her last comment, with the exception of Boromir.   
  
"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." Boromir mutters before sitting down again.  
  
Laina indiscreetly coughs 'jealous'.  
  
"Aragorn's right." Elrohir says. "We have but one choice-to destroy the ring."  
  
(a/n: I love the twins, especially Elrohir, and I feel bad for them because as far as I know, they were cut out of the movies. Why are most of my favourite characters cut or killed? Anyway, I decided to give him a line.)  
  
"What are we waiting for then?" Gimli asks, grabbing the axe of the dwarf next to him and attacking the ring with it. (a/n: it's the dwarf NEXT to him, not his!) Of course the axe breaks and he is thrown backwards.  
  
Laina bursts out laughing, and almost falls out of Elrohir's lap. He can't help snickering as well.  
  
"The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft we here possess." Elrond tells him.  
  
Laina bursts out laughing again. "Gloin? Hee, that rhymes with Groin!"  
  
The dwarves glare at her and Elrohir stifles a laugh.  
  
"As I was saying," Elrond tries to continue.  
  
"Yeah, we know, the ring has to be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom where it was made..." Laina finishes for him.  
  
"Yes." he says, glaring at her. "One of you must do this."  
  
"Or nine, " Laina mutters.  
  
"That's a little bit harder than it sounds!" Boromir tells them. "There are more than just orcs."  
  
"Like what?" Laina asks. "Does the Bogeyman live there?"  
  
"The great eye is ever watchful." Boromir continues, holding up his hand.  
  
"Yay! Charades!" Laina cries.  
  
"There are evil things that do not sleep! Not with 10 000 men could you do this. It is folly," he finishes.  
  
"Hee, folly. I love that word." Laina giggles.  
  
"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?" Legolas demands, standing up again. This time he grabs Meighan by the arm before she actually falls.  
  
"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimli asks, hauling himself out of his seat.  
  
"Say it, don't spray it!" Laina yells, laughing at him.  
  
"And what happens when we fail and Sauron takes back what is his?"  
  
"Middle Earth is doomed?" Laina guesses. "Which it pretty much will be if you don't try..."  
  
"I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli shouts.  
  
The elves just stare at him, pissed, for a moment, and then Meighan runs over and kicks him in the shins.  
  
"Never trust an elf!" Gimli yells.  
  
This, of course, gets the elves all riled up. Everyone stands up at once and begins shouting. Elrohir stands up and begins yelling at Boromir. Laina falls on the ground in a heap. Gandalf closes his eyes, and sighs, then tries to convince Boromir it's the only choice. The only ones who remain seated are Frodo, who's crying about the ring, and Elrond and Elladan, who both look constipated.   
  
(a/n: they really do! I was watching it, and paused it on them, and then zoomed in on it, and they both look constipated!)  
  
Suddenly Frodo makes an important decision. "I will take it!" he yells, but everyone continues arguing.  
  
"Say it a little louder!" Laina urges before hopping back over to Elrohir, tripping over her pants in the meantime, and continuing to shout random comments that have nothing to do with anything.  
  
"I will take it!" he screams again, and this time everyone looks at him, except for Laina, who picks up a little too late and screams "There's a purple monkey on your head!!" really loudly before realising that it's nobody else is talking.  
  
"I will take the ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way." Frodo tells them.  
  
"I will help you bear this burden, Baggins, for as long as it is your burden to bear." Gandalf promises.  
  
"Hee, it's a tongue twister!" Laina laughs.  
  
"Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather!" Meighan chants. Everybody else just stares at them.  
  
"Sorry," they mumble in unison.  
  
"If by my life or death I can protect you, I will." Aragorn tells Frodo. He is interrupted by a loud sniff.  
  
"That sounds so noble," Laina sighs.  
  
"You have my sword." Aragorn finishes.  
  
"And my bow." Legolas says.  
  
"Yeah, and my Legolas! Yay Legolas!" Meighan squeals.  
  
"And you have my axe." Gimli spits, while Legolas glares at him, annoyed, and resisting the urge to accidentally shoot an arrow in his ass.  
  
Laina and Meighan both start laughing. "The look on Legolas' face!" they manage to choke out.  
  
"You're a brave hobbit, little one-" Boromir starts.  
  
"Why do you keep calling him little one?" Laina asks. "He's ten years older than you!"  
  
"I have only called him little one once." Boromir responds, slightly confused.  
  
"Oh, right..." Laina mutters.  
  
"Anyway, if this is the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done. I willl come and help protect you too."  
  
"We already have a representative from Gondor." Laina whispers.  
  
"Hey! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" Sam yells, running.  
  
"Oh God...now you have that stupid song stuck in my head!" Laina whines, humming it under her breath.  
  
"We're coming too!" Merry and Pippin coming running up.  
  
"There goes your "secret" council, Elrond." Laina tells him.  
"You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack!" Merry announces.  
  
"That could me arranged." Elrond mutters under his breath.  
  
"That's not nice! Don't insult my Merry and Pippin!" Laina yells at him.  
  
"Besides, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing!" Pippin tells them proudly.  
  
"Well, you can't argue with that, can you Gandalf?" Laina asks, laughing at the look on his face.  
  
"That rules you out, Pip." Merry teases.  
  
"Uh huh. Hey..."  
  
"Very well, you shall be the fellowship of the ring." Elrond agrees half-heartedly.  
  
"That's cool, because there's nine of them and nine ringwraiths!" Laina says. "Oh hey, I'm coming too!" she adds hastily.  
  
"No, you're not." Elrond tells her.  
  
"Stop me."  
"Oh, fine, go then. At least you'll be out of my hair."  
  
"Speaking of hair, why are you wearing butterfly clips?"  
  
"What?" Elrond asks, turning to her.  
  
"Ahhhh! My eyes are burning!" she screams in agony. "Cover your forehead!"  
  
Later Laina and Meighan are standing outside, talking.  
  
"Okay Meighan, you have the longest cameo of anyone, but you have to go now." Laina tells her.  
  
"Alright." Meighan agrees reluctantly. "As long as a still have my other cameos later."  
  
"Don't worry, I'd never cut those out."  
  
"Okay!" Meighan disappears.  
  
Just then, Legolas stomps by.  
  
"Hey, gorgeous!" Laina yells at him.   
  
He stops suddenly and looks at her. "What?" he asks.  
  
"You're an elf. You're supposed to be quiet...you can walk on snow and still water for sobbing out loud. You're not supposed to make that much noise."  
  
"Oh, right," he says, and continues walking, this time without making a sound.  
  
Bilbo and Frodo are in Bilbo's room, talking.  
  
"Here, I want you to have this." Bilbo says, handing Frodo Sting.  
  
"It's your old sword!" Frodo exclaims.  
"Yes, Sting, and it glows blue when orcs are near. It-"  
  
"It's a litesabre!" Laina yells, and starts singing the theme song to Star Wars.  
  
Bilbo and Frodo give her an odd look and Bilbo gives Frodo the mithril coat.  
  
"Light as a feather and as hard as rock!" Laina exclaims proudly.  
  
"Yeah." Bilbo says, disappointed that she stole his line. "Put it on Frodo!"  
  
Frodo starts to unbutton his shirt.  
  
"Ow, ow! Take it off!" Laina yells. Frodo just looks at her. "Oh, right, sorry, continue."  
  
Bilbo catches sight of the ring on the chain round Frodo's neck. "Oh, it's my old ring."  
  
"No Bilbo, you can't have it. The ring has an unhealthy addiction. It's worse than smoking!" Laina tries to stop him. Bilbo turns all freaky and lunges for the ring.  
  
"Bad Bilbo!" Laina shouts.  
  
"I'm sorry." he cries. "I'm sorry for everything."  
  
Just then Merry and Pippin come in the room.  
  
"Hey Laina, do you have any more pizza?" Pippin asks.  
"Sure." she says with an evil grin. She snaps her fingers and they both have an extra large pizza in their hands.   
  
"Thanks!" they say together, eyes wide.  
  
"No problem..." 


	6. The Quest Begins dun dun duuuuun

Chapter 6. Wow!  
  
Disclaimers: I own half of Middle Earth! Really, I do! I don't own the books or movies, or actors, or rights to anything, but I own half of ME! My friend and I got bored one day and divided it up. Oh, and of course I own Laina (me)  
  
Flames will be used to make hot chocolate!  
  
Chapter 6: The Quest Begins (dun dun duuuuun)  
  
The Fellowship (plus Laina) are walking along.  
  
"Does anybody else hear that music?" Laina asks.  
  
They all look at her as though she's insane. Which, of course, she is.  
  
"No really, there's this really pretty music. It's like doo doo doooo do...oh never mind."  
  
They reach the crest of a hill and the music that Laina hears heightens intensity. Suddenly she belts out the tune to Phantom of the Opera. The others stop and turn to look at her. (a/n: I always think that the Phantom music is going to play there. It just seems to fit.)  
  
"What?" she responds to their odd stares.  
  
Eventually they stop on a rocky hill with ruins to rest. Sam cooks while Frodo and Aragorn watches Boromir try to teach Merry and Pippin how to use a sword.  
  
***15 minutes before the Fellowship arrived***  
  
"Buahahaha!" Molly giggles. (See chapter four)  
  
She runs and hides where Aragorn will hide in a little bit, giggling to herself.  
  
***Back to where we were***  
  
"That's it, move your feet," Aragorn tells the hobbits while Merry and Pippin compliment each other on their 'excellent' swordsmanship constantly.  
  
A few feet away, Gimli starts in with Gandalf. "If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they're not-"  
  
"Because you're a dwarf, and nobody CARES what the hell you think." Laina tells him.  
  
Gimli starts to get very angry, but Gandalf stops him and gets him to continue. "I note we're taking the long way round. Gandalf, we could go through the mines of Moria." Gimli tells him.  
  
"No way." Laina insists, stomping her foot.  
  
"I have to agree with her." Gandalf says. "I would only go through the mines if there were no other choice."  
  
Laina spits in Gimli's face. "Ha!"  
  
Suddenly Pippin screams "Ow!"  
  
"Sorry!" Boromir exclaims, but the hobbits won't have it. "Get him Merry!" Pippin yells, as they both attack him.  
  
Laina starts laughing. "Boromir's being beaten up by two hobbits!" she giggles.  
  
Legolas jumps up on a rock and looks off in the distance.  
  
"What's that?" Boromir asks, standing up.  
  
"Just some clouds," Gimli says carelessly.  
  
"It's moving fast, and against the wind." Boromir responds.  
  
"No it's not." Laina states flatly. "The wind is blowing Legolas' hair in the same direction that they're travelling. See that? His hair is blowing behind him and the birds are coming towards him. D'you see that? Towards him. They're moving in the same direction. Jeez, what a bunch of ingnoramuses."  
  
"Crebain from Dunland!" Legolas yells before anyone has a chance to respond to Laina. They all run to hide.  
  
As Aragorn runs and hides under some bushes, he is startled by Molly.  
  
"Hi!" she chirps happily.  
  
He covers her mouth with his hand and hisses at her to shut up. As soon as the crebain are gone, he drags her out with him.  
  
"Molly!" Laina squeals, and runs to hug her friend.  
  
"Ahem." They look up to see everyone staring at them.  
  
"We have to go over the pass of Caradhras. It's bad enough that you're coming with us, but she definitely can't." Gandalf tells them.  
  
"Aw, come on!" Laina pleads, but Gandalf stays stubborn.  
  
"No!"  
  
"All right." Laina pouts.  
  
"Oh! Just a second!" Molly shrieks. She runs over to Aragorn and hugs him so tightly he can hardly breath. Then, with a sudden burst of confidence, she jumps up and kisses him before disappearing. Laina is rolling on the ground she is laughing so hard.  
  
Aragorn has a shocked look on his face. "What just happened?" he asks, still slightly bewildered as to the events that had just rapidly occurred.  
  
"It's better to not ask questions." Boromir tells him.  
  
Soon the company are walking up the mountains. Gandalf is walking in front, followed closely by Sam. Merry and Pippin are behind him with Laina. Legolas and Gimli walk behind them followed by Boromir and Frodo. Aragorn straggles behind. Suddenly Frodo slips and falls.  
  
"A sliding we will go ! A sliding we will go! Hi-ho the dairy-o a sliding we will go! Hey Boromir, can we use you shield thing to go sliding?" Laina asks.  
  
"Yeah!" Merry and Pippin agree.  
  
"No!" Boromir yells.  
  
"Fine." Merry and Pippin all sulk.  
  
"Well, what else are you going to use it for?" Laina asks. "Oh! Maybe it's a sombrero!"  
  
Right then, Frodo realises that he doesn't have the ring. Boromir reaches for it.  
  
"Nooo!" Laina yells, running in slow motion to stop him. She picks up speed on the slippery snow, tries to stop herself, fails, and starts sliding down the mountain on her butt. Luckily, before she gets too far, she slams into Boromir.  
  
"Ow!" he says, glaring at her. He stares at the ring, mesmerised.  
  
"Boromir," Aragorn starts.  
  
"Tis so odd that we should suffer such a fate over so small a thing." Boromir says.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, we all now you have a fetish for shiny things." Laina tells him. "Get over it and give the ring back to Frodo."  
  
Boromir snaps out of it. "Here you go little one." he says, handing the ring back to Frodo.  
  
"And stop calling him little one!" Laina yells as they continue on. He's 10 years older than you!" She hauls herself off the ground, then slips and falls again, covering herself in snow.  
  
Aragorn laughs and helps her up.  
  
"Oh shut up. I'm not some fancy elf who can walk on snow." she yells the last bit, although she knows Legolas can probably already hear her. "So sue me."  
  
As the Fellowship gets further up the mountain, it starts to get more frigid.  
  
"I'm cold!" Laina complains. "I want to go to Hawaii. Hey, wait a minute...I can do whatever I want." she snaps her fingers and disappears. Everyone else hardly even notices.  
  
About half an hour later she comes back. Aragorn and Boromir are both holding two hobbits, and they're in the midst of a snowstorm.  
  
"Man, I love Haw-ahh! It's so cold!!" she screams in the middle of her sentence. Laina never was one for thinking ahead, so she's still in her bathing suit-a red Hawaiian print triangle top bikini with trunk bottoms. "J-j-just a s-s-second." she shivers.  
  
She disappears and returns a minute or so later. Now she's wearing heavy pants lined with fleece and a huge navy blue parka, with faux fur around the hood that's pulled up. She also has on white fluffy mittens.  
  
"Hey, didn't anybody notice that Bill the Pony has disappeared?" she demands. "I'm calling the SPCA. I think this qualifies as abuse. "There is a fell voice in the air," Legolas says, walking over the snow past them.  
  
"Damn prancy elves who can walk on snow..." Laina mutters under her breath, trudging through the snow.  
  
He stops and looks at her. "Pardon me?"  
  
"Nothing." she says innocently, although she knows perfectly well he heard her.  
  
"There is a fell voice on the air," Legolas tells them again.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock," Laina mutters.  
  
"It's Saruman!" Gandalf yells, as snow chunks fall from above.  
  
"He's trying to bring down the mountain!" Aragorn yells.  
  
"Really? I thought he was trying to help us," Laina says with a sarcastic tone.  
  
"Gandalf we must turn back."  
  
"No!" Gandalf yells and tries to counter the curse. Before he can, a lightning bolt hits the snow above and causes an avalanche from above. Legolas pulls Gandalf back just in time.  
  
"Yay Leggy! You saved Gandalf!" Laina screams, as the company is buried in snow. Slowly they dig themselves out.  
  
"We have to get off the mountain! Let's go over the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!" Boromir yells over the wind.  
  
"No, the Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isenguard!" Aragorn yells back.  
  
"Isenguard Shmisenguard," Laina mutters under her breath. "If we cannot go over the mountain, let us pass through it. Let us go through the Mines of Moria," Gimli suggests.  
  
Laina bursts out laughing. "Oh my god, you look like such a dumbass when you say that," she giggles.  
  
"Let the ringbearer decide," Gandalf tells them.  
  
"No pressure Frodo," Laina adds.  
  
"The mines." Frodo decides after a few minutes of careful consideration.  
  
"God dammit!" Laina yells, to nobody in particular. 


	7. Moria

Yay! It's Chapter 7! Whoo hoo! Oh, and by the way, thank you Meighan! I couldn't have done it without you. Quite literally. ff.net doesn't like me and won't let me update.  
  
Disclaimer: I own me!  
  
Flames will be used to burn my homework  
  
Chapter 7: Moria  
  
As the Fellowship comes to Moria, Gimli gasps in awe.  
  
"The walls of Moria."  
  
"Wow," Laina says, stumbling behind. "Get over your love affair with the mountain and keep moving."  
  
Gandalf examines the walls and explains that they will only reflect the moon and stars. Just then, the moon and stars come out.  
  
"Wow, what a coincidence," Laina says.  
  
"Speak friend and enter," Gandalf reads.  
  
"What do you s'pose that means?" Merry asks.  
  
"It's simple. If you're a friend you speak the password and the doors will open."  
  
At this, Laina starts to bang her head against the side of the mountain.  
  
"Are you alright?" Legolas asks her.  
  
"Just peachy," she answers with false cheerfulness as Gandalf begins his long stream of passwords.  
  
As Gandalf grows more and more exasperated, Laina starts muttering to herself. "Should I tell them? Then they can leave...but there'd be no white wizard...but I could save him..." Aragorn and Legolas exchanged confused looks.  
  
Soon Gandalf throws down his staff in exasperation and Merry and Pippin begin throwing stones in the water out of boredom. Aragorn stops them. "Do not disturb the water."  
  
"Too late," she mutters so that only Legolas hears her.  
  
Before he can ask her what she means, Frodo yells out, "It's a riddle!"  
  
"Took you long enough to figure it out," Laina tells them.  
  
"What?" Pippin asks, having been distracted from his daydream when she yelled out his 'name'.  
  
"You mean you knew all along and didn't say?" Frodo asks, slightly annoyed.  
  
"I couldn't," she whines, about to start crying. He looks at her in disgust before asking Gandalf what the Elvish word for friend is.  
  
"Mellon," Gandalf tells him, and the doors open. The Fellowship stands up, glad to be finally moving, but Laina doesn't even look up. They all go into the mines, and Laina trails behind.  
  
"Soon, Master Elf, you will receive the fabled hospitality of the dwarves. Roaring fires, fresh malt, meat right off the bone."  
  
"It's probably raw," Laina can't resist muttering innocently. Gimli glares at her, as Gandalf produces light. They all, with the exception of Laina, are shocked by the dwarf skeletons littering the entrance.  
  
"This is no mine, it's a tomb," Boromir says.  
  
"Really?" Laina asks sarcastically, irritated.  
  
"Goblins," Legolas says, holding up an arrow.  
  
"Shouldn't you call them orcs, not goblins?" Laina asks. She kind of half laughs and adds so they can't hear her (with the more than-likely exception of Legolas), "Besides, I'm pretty sure they're dwarves..."  
  
"We're leaving...we'll use the Gap of Rohan and make for my city-" Boromir starts.  
  
"Deja vu!" Laina chirps.  
  
"We should never have come here. Get out!" Boromir finishes. While everyone heads towards the entrance, Laina doesn't even bother.  
  
"Come on!" Aragorn says, grabbing her. "You don't understand..." she tries to explain, but they don't listen.  
  
Right then, the Water Watcher grabs Frodo. "Frodo!" Merry and Pippin yell, and Sam calls for Strider. The two men and Legolas run out to help, while Laina drags the hobbits back inside.  
  
Boromir and Aragorn cut off as many tentacles of the Water Watcher as they can, but it never seems to be the right one.  
  
Laina is watching from the entrance and trying to give them directions. "No, not that tentacle...more to the left."  
  
Eventually they get Frodo down and run for the entrance, while Legolas tries to distract the Water Watcher. They get inside and the entrance is pulled down behind them.  
  
"We now have but one choice," Gandalf tells them. "To face the long dark of Moria."  
  
"But I'm afraid of the dark," Laina whimpers. Everyone ignores her and they start on their way.  
  
They travel for a very long time, with Laina whining at regular intervals. Finally Gandalf brings them to a stop, saying he doesn't remember this place. Laina collapses on the ground with more noise than necessary while everyone sits down quietly.  
  
"How long have been sitting here?" Laina whines after a while.  
  
"Forever, now shut up," Aragorn tells her.  
  
"Really?" she asks.  
  
Aragorn just looks at her.  
  
"Are we lost?" Pippin asks his cousin.  
  
"No."  
  
"I think we are."  
  
"Shh, Gandalf's thinking."  
  
"Merry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm hungry,"  
  
"Me too!" says Laina, who's been laughing at them the whole time.  
  
Frodo looks behind him and sees a frog-like creature jumping after them. "Gandalf, something's following us."  
  
"Fetal chicken!" Laina calls over.  
  
Gandalf looks at her oddly before explaining to Frodo that it's Gollum, and that he has been following them for three days.  
  
"I think Bilbo should have killed him when he had the chance," Frodo says angrily. "Yeah but then the ring wouldn't...oh, never mind," Laina mutters.  
  
"There are some who deserve death, but live and there are some who deserve life but die-"  
  
"Like Gil-Galad!" Laina sniffles.  
  
"Can you give it to them Frodo?" Gandalf finishes.  
  
"Wow, you're so smart and wise, and all-powerfully," Laina comments.  
  
Without waiting for Frodo's response, Gandalf stands up and tells them which way to go.  
  
"He's remembered!" Merry says.  
  
"No, but the air smells fresher this way," Gandalf tells him. "Remember, Meriadoc, when in doubt, always follow your nose."  
  
"Heaven knows that your nose is big enough to smell an orc about 1000 miles away, and underground." Laina mumbles, not loud enough for him to hear.  
  
They head down the tunnel and soon come to the main hall. (a/n: I don't remember a lot of the stuff around here, and stupid me left the dvd in my friends computer, and god knows when I'll get it back.)  
  
Everyone looks around. "There's a looker and no mistake," says Sam.  
  
"Ooh, wow, rocks. Fascinating," says Laina, uninterested.  
  
Suddenly Gimli catches sight of a room and runs towards it.  
  
"Gimli, no," they call after him, but he doesn't stop.  
  
"Oh, boo hoo, his uncle or whatever is dead," Laina mutters uncaring. The rest of the Fellowship run after Gimli and drag her with them, while she whines about not wanting to see a tomb.  
  
"No, no," Gimli cries when he realizes Balin is dead. Laina rolls her eyes.  
  
"Here lays Balin, son of Burin (a/n: don't know his name, can't check, I think it's SOMETHING like that). He is dead then," Gandalf says, reading the inscription on the tomb.  
  
"Really? You're just figuring that out NOW?" Laina asks, pissed at being dragged into the room, and also worried because she know what's going to happen.  
  
Gandalf hands his staff and hat to Pippin and looks around. He spots the dwarf skeleton with the book in his hand and starts to read it. Pippin looks over at the skeleton sitting on the well with interest.  
  
As Gandalf reads the book aloud, Pippin heads over to the skeleton.  
  
"No Pippin, don't," Laina mutters sarcastically, knowing she can't stop him and even if she could it would probably make things worse. "We cannot get out," Gandalf finishes, closing the book just as Pippin knocks the skeleton crashing down the well.  
  
Laina can't help but wince with every crash. They're even louder than she had expected.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf cries, snatching back his hat and staff from Pippin.  
  
"Leave him alone," Laina yells, wanting to tell them that Pippin actually helped, in an odd, far away way. "He's, um, I mean, it was an accident," she haltingly finishes lamely.  
  
The drums start below and orc screeches mingle with the sound. Boromir runs to the door and looks out. Three arrows hit the door right by his face as he pulls it closed.  
  
"Hey, there were three arrows right then, and there'll be three arrows when..." Laina trails off, sniffs and pouts.  
  
"They have a cave troll," Boromir tells Aragorn.  
  
"Hee, you say that so funny," Laina giggles.  
  
"Stay behind Gandalf!" Aragorn orders the hobbits, throwing down his torch and running to help Boromir bar the door. Legolas throws axes at them to bar the door with.  
  
"I wanna help!" Laina yells, running over as the orcs try to bang through.  
  
"NO!" Legolas yells at her. "Go...stay with the hobbits or something." "Fine." Laina whines and goes over to stand with them. "Hey, wait a minute, I don't have anything to fight with!!" she starts hyperventilating. "I'm going to die!! And I'm only 15! Waaah!!"  
  
Merry slaps her face as the orcs fight their way through the door. "Shut up!" he screams.  
  
"Oh, right, sorry," she apologizes, calming down instantaneously.  
  
As the orcs start to break through the door, Legolas begins shooting them.  
  
"Yay Leggy," Laina calls out before realizing it's probably a better idea NOT to distract him.  
  
The orcs break through and the Fellowship starts fighting. Pippin leads the hobbits to help.  
  
"Yay Pippin!" Laina cheers. "Hey, wait a minute, don't leave me alone."  
  
They're doing a pretty good job of fighting until the cave troll comes in.  
  
"Oh, shit!" Laina screams from the back of the room. Then she starts laughing hysterically because Sam is knocking out orcs with a frying pan.  
  
The Fellowship try desperately to kill the orcs and the cave troll. They are so busy, that they don't hear Laina screams as an orc advances on her.  
  
"Bad orc! You stink. Go home," she tries, unsuccessfully to get it to leave her alone. "Um, HELP!" she screams at the top of her lungs.  
  
Suddenly Rhyan (a/n: chapter 1) appears and hits it on the head with what appears to be a thin wooden stick. The orc promptly falls over, dead.  
  
"Yay Rhyan!" Laina screams, giving him a hug. "You saved my life! What is that?"  
  
"It's the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" Rhyan tells her. "Here take it. I have to go back into my tunneled basement and hide." Rhyan disappears. He has, however, gotten Laina started on her bDOOM/bs.  
  
"bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! bDOOM/b! GRRR!" she yells, prancing about and hitting random orcs on the head, killing them. "You're going to the bowls of hell! Oh wait, this biIS/i/b the bowls of hell. I hate dwarves."  
  
Suddenly Pippin lets out a rather girly scream and she turns to see him, Merry, and Frodo trying to avoid the cave troll.  
  
"Don't worry Pippin! I'll save you with my wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b!" she yells running over.  
  
Pippin and Merry jump to one side, while Frodo jumps to the other. The cave troll goes after Frodo, chasing him around a pillar. Just when Frodo relaxes, the cave troll appears in front of him. Frodo screams and tries to get away. Aragorn runs to his aide, but is knocked out.  
  
"Aragorn!" Frodo cries out. The cave troll appears to spear him, and he slumps to the ground. Merry and Pippin look at each other with shock and jump on the troll with a yell.  
  
"But he's not dead," Laina says, just standing there holding her wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. Nobody hears her above all the noise.  
  
The cave troll throws Merry off and he lands on the ground a few feet away. Laina runs over and drags him away.  
  
Pippin hits the cave troll on the head, causing him to look up and expose his throat. Legolas shoots him in the throat, killing him, and he falls, sending Pippin flying a few feet away.  
  
"Yay Leggy, you killed him!" Laina says, running over and hugging him. He ignores her, however, and runs over to Frodo, as does the rest of the Fellowship, mourning their "dead" friend.  
  
Laina stomps her foot and whines. "Frodo shmodo. It's not like there's anything wrong with him. Jeez Louise. I didn't even have a freakin bWEAPON/b! If Rhyan hadn't of shown up with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b, I'd be iDEAD /inow."  
  
To everyone's non-existent response of concern, she responds, "Well, it's nice to know how you all care about me iever/i so much."  
  
To everyone's surprise, Frodo awakens with a gasp of air. "It cannot be," whispers Aragorn with amazement.  
  
Laina looks at him with a glint in her eyes. "Were you plotting this all along?" she asks suspiciously.  
  
"You're alright!" cries Sam.  
  
"I told you so! But nobody bEVER/b listens to me. No, let's ignore the one who knows what's going on. Don't let her have a weapon, maybe she'll die. Nobody cares about me." Laina rants.  
  
They all ignore her bAGAIN/b as Frodo shows them the mithril coat. The drums pick up once more from below.  
  
"To the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" Gandalf yells, urging them on.  
  
"My god, your nose is ibHUGE/b/i!" Laina exclaims.  
  
They race through the hall, desperately trying to reach the bridge before the orcs catch up to them. Soon, however, they are surrounded by orcs. The Fellowship prepare to fight, although it's hopeless.  
  
"That's so brave," Laina sighs. She then runs over and taps one of the orcs on the head with the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b. He falls over dead. Before the orcs can retaliate, a deep noise is heard from the depths of Moria.  
  
"Satan is coming from the bowls of hell!" Laina cries.  
  
The orcs begin to run away, and Gimli looks proud of himself.  
  
"You ass! What, do you think you scared them away? Grr, I'm a dwarf, how terrifying, you shall fear my stench," Laina mocks him.  
  
A deep light like fire comes from the far end of the hall. Gandalf closes his eyes and Legolas prepares to shoot. Laina starts to bawl.  
  
"That's so sad. He's terrified," she sobs, referring to Legolas.  
  
"What new devilry is this?" Boromir demands over Laina's sniffles.  
  
"A Balrog, a demon of old. We cannot fight it," Gandalf tells them. Legolas looks ready to pass out. "Run!"  
  
They take off down the hall as fast as they can. In his effort to get away, Legolas throws Laina behind.  
  
"Hey! That's not very nice!" she calls, hurrying after them again.  
  
They run for the stairs and as Boromir rushes down, he almost falls off the edge as they end suddenly. He drops his torch as Legolas grabs him.  
  
"Jeez, you know, I think you'd all be dead by now if it wasn't for pretty boy over there," Laina comments.  
  
Gandalf pulls Aragorn away. "Swords are no more use here. YOU must lead them to the bridge of Kazad-Dum!" When Aragorn doesn't run off right away, he pushes him. "Go!"  
  
"What's up your ass?" Aragorn mutters as he runs off, leading them down the stairs.  
  
They reach a huge gap in the stairs. Legolas leaps across and the others pause. "Damn perfect elves," Laina mutters under her breath.  
  
"Gandalf!" Legolas calls, and Gandalf jumps too. Boromir picks up Merry and Pippin and jumps across the gap, where they are pulled safely from the edge.  
  
Aragorn is about to throw Gimli across, but Gimli stops him. "Nobody tosses a dwarf!" he announces, preparing to drop.  
  
"Ha! You say that now!" Laina tells him as he jumps across.  
  
Legolas grabs his beard just in time to keep him from falling off the edge of the step. "Not the beard!" Gimli yells in pain.  
  
"Rip it off!" Laina yells viciously. "Damn stinky stupid dwarves," she mutters to herself.  
  
Orcs suddenly appear and begin shooting arrows at our heroes. Legolas shoots back, and hits every single one that he aims for.  
  
"What the hell?" Laina demands. "That damned arrow just changed its god damned iflight path/i and hit an orc in the middle of the forehead. You're an elf, that doesn't mean you can change the flight path of an arrow!"  
  
Slowly the stairs that Frodo, Aragorn and Laina are still standing on start falling.  
  
"Oh my god! I'm going to fall off. Help me, help me! How am I going to get off here?" Laina spazzes.  
  
Aragorn shoves her and she goes flying across barely landing on the edge. Nobody tries to help her.  
  
"Thanks a lot," she mutters, moving away as Frodo and Aragorn try to tip the part of the stairs they're on. "Oh, that's really going to work," she tells them. The stairs fall, and Frodo and Aragorn jump to the proper side, where they are quickly pulled to safety by their friends. "Oh, shut up," Laina growls before anyone has a chance to say anything to her. "Sure, help them but not me," she can't resist adding under her breath.  
  
They hurriedly continue on their way, with Laina trailing behind, muttering about how everyone hates her.  
  
They reach the bridge and everyone runs across but Gandalf stays behind, facing the flames. Laina stops in the middle of the bridge, looks down, realizes she's over a bottomless pit, and sits down, refusing to move anymore.  
  
"Laina, come one," they urge her. She looks up at them and shakes her head, too scared to move.  
  
Legolas sighs in exasperation before running out, grabbing her, and pulling her across the bridge. He's just in time, because as they reach the far side, the Balrog appears from the flames.  
  
Gandalf runs across the bridge and stops halfway across. The Balrog continues after him. Gandalf turns to the Balrog and says, "I am the wielder of the secret flame of Anor. You shall not pass!" The Balrog continues on. Laina starts sobbing. "You shall not pass!" Gandalf screams again, shoving his staff into the bridge. The Balrog takes another step forward, whip flying, and the bridge breaks, sending him tumbling into the abyss. Gandalf turns to start across the bridge and everyone sighs with relief, except for Laina, who just sobs harder than ever.  
  
Suddenly the Balrog's whip flies up and grabs Gandalf's leg, pulling him down. He grasps the edge of the bridge.  
  
"Gandalf!" Frodo screams, running toward him.  
  
"No!" Boromir yells after Frodo and holds him back.  
  
"Hey, cool! Everything is in slow motion," Laina says in wonder, waving her arms in front of her face. Everyone stares at her oddly, before turning back to Gandalf.  
  
"Fly, you fools," he tells them, before letting go and falling after the Balrog.  
  
"No!" Frodo screams, fighting to get free of Boromir who hauls him away.  
  
"No way!" Laina screams indignantly. "He iso/i could have pulled himself up!"  
  
Aragorn looks on in disbelief, frozen in time for an instant.  
  
"Aragorn!" Boromir yells and suddenly Aragorn is aware of the dozens of orc arrows aimed at his head. He hurries after the rest of the company still waiting for Gandalf to somehow climb back up.  
  
They finally get free of the mines and outside on the rocks they finally stop to rest. The hobbits collapse in tears, Leoglas looks like a lost puppy dog, and Boromir tries to restrain Gimli from running back inside after Gandalf. For once Laina doesn't make fun of him because she's crying too hard.  
  
"I don't like the stupid bloody Balrog and the stupid bloody orcs and Gandalf had to let go." she managed to splutter out between sobs.  
  
Pippin is sobbing on the ground while Merry (tears streaming down his face as well) strokes his arm in comfort.  
  
"Platonic!!!" an unseen voice screams. The voice is distinctly female and is vaguely and eerily familiar. Everyone pauses for a second to try and think who it belongs to, but they can't remember.  
  
"I agree with the unseen voice, and only I know who it really is!" Laina states stoutly.  
  
"Legolas, get them up," Aragorn tells him after a few short minutes.  
  
"Give them a moment, for pity's sake," Boromir insists.  
  
"By nightfall these hills will be swarming with orcs. Do you still want to be here? I don't. We must make for Lorien, and the protection of the elves," Aragorn tells him. "Legolas, Boromir, Gimli, get them up."  
  
He doesn't notice Laina mouthing his words right along with him while pouting. He pulls up the hobbits.  
  
"Hey, you know, you asked Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli to help, and then you went and did everything yourself. Why'd you ask for help if you didn't want it?" Laina demands.  
  
He ignores her and goes off looking for Frodo. He finally finds him some distance away holding the ring. Tears are streaming down his face.  
  
"What bloody fuck was that all about?" Laina mutters grumpily as they set off.  
  
(a/n: I am ibSO/b/i sorry about this chapter. Not only did it take me iforever/i to write, it was terrible too. Except for the wooden flute cleaning rod thing of bDOOM/b part. I iliked/i that part. I really did. I think I was high or something when I wrote it. But other than that, it sucked. I'm sorry. Pwease fwogive me? Yes, I hope my later chapters will be better.  
  
Who is the unseen voice?  
  
Will our heroes reach Lorien safetly? (Well, duh)  
  
Will the next chapter suck too?  
  
Is anyone even reading this?  
  
Find out next time! (dun, dun, duuuuun) 


	8. Lorien Yay! And Haldir lives! He does!

Chapter 8! Whee. I am now changing it to past tense. SOMEONE told me that it's really annoying. Shut UP, Meighan! Actually, I'm also writing another story that's in past tense, and it's IREALLYi hard to switch from present tense to past tense and back to present again. It's bad enough switching from Laina to Casey and back again. so yes. From here on, the story will be in past tense. Great.  
Oh yeah, I'm not sure exactly when Legolas and Gimli become friends, I just know that it's iAFTER/i Lorien. So for my purposes, they become friends during the time spent in Lorien. Yes.  
  
Disclaimer: Well, let's see. there's. no, wait. I have. no, not that. oh! There's the. no, I don't own that. I own me?  
  
Flames will be used to light my candles!  
  
Chapter 8: Lorien. Yay!!! And Haldir lives! He does! Don't listen to Peter Jackson! He lives! And he'll always live! Forever!! And ever and ever!!! So HA all you non-bookies! And, yes, I DID sob when he died. And I'm proud of it!  
  
(Yes, that is a title)  
  
The Fellowship, plus Laina and minus Gandalf, entered the woods of Lorien.  
  
"Oooh! Pretty!" Laina giggled.  
  
"Stay close young hobbits," Gimli urged Sam and Frodo. "They say an elf witch lives here-"  
  
"Oh, shut up Gimli. You're such an idiot. Galadriel's awesome. And she's nice. And she's my best friend. Actually, I think she hates me, but that's beside the point. The point is, you're going to fall in lo-ove. Ha!"  
  
Gimli looked annoyed. "A dwarf would never fall in love with an elf. They are distrustful beings who would lie, cheat, or steal just to get their way." Legolas looked pissed.  
  
"Famous last words," Laina told him. "Well, maybe not famous, but you'll regret them later. Or take them back, or SOMETHING."  
  
"I highly doubt it," Gimli glared at her.  
  
"I bet you 150 000 000 000 USD!!" (a/n: that's 150 billion, in case you're as stupid as me.)  
  
"What?" He looked at her oddly, neither of them noticing that Frodo had spaced due to the voices he was hearing in his head. "Well, here is one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a rabbit and the ears of a fox."  
  
"Sure." Laina started to laugh, but was stopped before she could start by an arrow pointed at her head. Everyone else was stopped quickly. "Wow, what I lovely job we're doing at NOT getting killed. Only Legolas had the intelligence to at least ATTEMPT to defend himself. I would have defended myself except I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!" Everyone ignored her.  
  
"A dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark," Haldir said breezily. Laina laughed so hard she fell over, and then suddenly burst into tears. "He's not s'posed to die!" she sobbed. Everyone looked at her oddly. "Well, he's not."  
  
~~~And now I am going to do the extended version part here, simply because I saw it the night before last, I like it better and it amused me~~~  
  
It was nighttime and the elves of Lorien had brought the Fellowship (and Laina) to a large platform. thing. yeah. which was, presumably, high in the air.  
  
"Welcome, Legolas, son of Thranduil," Haldir said in elvish.  
  
"Our fellowship stands in your debt," Legolas replied, also in elvish.  
  
"Wow, you're even prettier than normal there," Laina told him for no apparent reason. Haldir turned to Aragorn.  
  
"You are known to us, Aragorn of the Dunedain." (In-how'd you guess? Elvish)  
  
"So much for the fabled courtesy of the elves," Gimli growled. "Speak words we can all understand."  
  
"Shut up you ugly goat!" Laina admonished. "Oh, sorry, I just insulted goats. Sorry goats!" She sat down and glared at him.  
  
"We have not had. dealings with the dwarves since the dark days," Haldir replied.  
  
"Here's what this dwarf has to say to this," Gimli told him huffily, and then said something in dwarfish.  
  
"That was not so courteous," Aragorn berated him.  
  
"Yeah," Laina added. "Don't talk in your ugly language. It depresses me.  
  
Haldir turned to Frodo. "You bring great evil here." He turned abruptly. "You can go no farther." Laina started sniffling.  
  
"Don't die!" she sobbed, although no one was sure whom she was talking to.  
  
Aragorn started arguing with Haldir, desperate to gain the protection of Lorien. Frodo looked around at the Fellowship. They all looked sad, almost as if they blamed him. He glanced over at Laina. She grinned and waved at him. Frodo nearly jumped as Boromir started to talk to him.  
  
"Do not blame yourself for Gandalf's death. You already bear such a heavy burden, do not burden yourself more."  
  
"Yeah!" Laina agreed, popping up behind them. "It's not your fault. Besides, it's okay. Trust me." They didn't.  
  
Haldir came over to them. Apparently Aragorn had won their fight. "Come with me," he told them.  
  
"Would you make up your mind?" Laina demanded. "First you say we can't come with you. Then you bring us here. Then you tell us we can't go any farther. Now you're saying to follow you. Make up your mind!"  
  
"Would you prefer to stay here?" he asked her coldly before setting off.  
  
"You'll like me in the end!" she called after him, with an evil tone in her voice. "They all like me in the end!" The evil tone disappeared as she continued. "Except for the dwarf. But he's ugly and stinky and I don't really care." She quickly ran to catch up to everybody else.  
  
They were all tramping through the woods in a long line. "Um, aren't we supposed to be blindfolded?" Laina asked. "You know, because we're not elves? Or because we're not dwarves, but then Aragorn's too nice and says that is one member of the Fellowship has to be blindfolded then they should all be blindfolded." They all looked at her strangely.  
  
"I don't know about blindfolds," Aragorn told her, "But I think somebody should gag you." They continued walking.  
  
"Well, that was uncalled for," Laina sighed huffily.  
  
They stopped abruptly at the top of a hill.  
  
"The fairest wood of elf land," Haldir told them, "And home of the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel."  
  
"I wanna see!" Laina whined.  
  
They marched through Lorien, headed to see Celeborn and Galadriel. yes.  
  
Laina, for once, was speechless. Well, almost. "It's so beautiful," she sighed.  
  
Haldir had them wait at the foot of a beautiful staircase. Slowly Galadriel and Celeborn walked down the stairs. (Wow, they're ever so special)  
  
"Eight there are, yet nine there were set out from Rivendell. Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him," Celeborn asked.  
  
"Hee! I love the way you talk. Say it again!" Laina demanded. The elves gave her some odd looks and otherwise ignored her.  
  
"He has fallen into shadow," Galadriel told them. "But why would you bring HER with you?" she asked, obviously disgusted by Laina.  
  
"I missed you too," Laina told her wiltingly.  
  
AND NOW: I HAVE SEVERE WRITERS BLOCK SO I WILL POST THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER LATER. AND I'M SKIPPING OVER THE WHOLE MIND READING THING. IT'S HELL TO WRITE. 


	9. The rest of what happened in Lorien

Chapter 9! Yay! I've finally gotten over my writer's block thing. Actually, it wasn't really writers' block, more just lack of good writing. But yeah. Anyways, I started writing it out long hand, and then typing it up. I don't know why, but I can write a lot better long hand. It's a pain in the ass, because I write a lot, and my hand gets sore, but hey, anything for my devoted readers. *snorts derisively * yeah huh, riiiight... as soon as I find them. And hey, it's a way to pass the time in class!  
  
Oh yes, and I'd also like to apologize for the way I've bastardized this story. Sorry! I love all things Tolkien, I really do. it's like a love/hate thing. Or something. And I'm also sorry if I've abused/maimed/ruined-lines- of your favourite character(s).  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything the fellowship, Lorien, Haldir, Celeborn, Galadriel or anything else even remotely connected to Tolkien. Nor do I own the Wizard of Oz, John Lennon, Moulin Rouge or Meighan. I do, however, own me, the cricket, and (partially) And What are you Doing Here? Oh yeah, and I guess I own the jumped elf. I made him up in my head.  
  
Flames will be used for my end-of-the-year bonfire, meant for burning school stuff!  
  
************************************************************  
  
Chapter 9: The rest of what happened in Lorien and a rather. odd arrival  
  
The remainder of the fellowship sat in Lorien, listening to the mourning song of the elves.  
  
"A lament for Gandalf," Legolas told them, returning form wherever he'd been.  
  
"What do they say about him?" Merry asked.  
  
"I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near," Legolas responded.  
  
"I know!" Laina told them, digging a booklet from her jeans. "Olorin who once was. /Sent by the Lords of the West /To guard the lands of the East/Wisest of all Maiar/What drove you to leave/That which you loved? Mithrandir, Mithrandir O Pilgrim Grey/No more will you wander the green fields of this earth/Your journey has ended in darkness/The bonds cut, the spirit broken/The Flame of Anor has left this World/A great light, has gone out."  
  
"How did you know that?" Legolas asked her, surprised.  
  
"It's my book of all-knowingness," she answered, flapping around the booklet (which happens to be the lyric booklet form the LOTR CD.) "Ummm, Leggy, hon, why are you carrying a jug?" He gave her a look that implied she wasn't worth talking too and continued walking.  
  
"Too bad they don't mention his fireworks," Sam commented. Then he stood up and began reciting an improvised poem about Gandalf's fireworks. They all stared at him until Gimli started snoring. Aragorn glared at him and smacked him.  
  
"Ooh, good idea!" Laina agreed, eyes sparkling maliciously. She grabbed a pillow and began pummeling Gimli with it.  
  
"Oh, that's no good," Sam mourned, sitting back down. Then a pillow flew by and hit him in the head.  
  
"Pillow fight!" Laina shrieked, attacking Merry and Pippin. In about three seconds flat, they had a full-scale all-out pillow war going on. Aragorn shook his head and went over to where Boromir was sitting alone.  
  
"Take some rest," he suggested. "The borders are well guarded."  
  
"There will be no rest for me here," Boromir insisted, looking upset. Aragorn looked surprised. But their conversation was interrupted when Laina came running by and jumped a passing elf.  
  
"You're pretty!" she told him, sitting on his stomach.  
  
"Thank you," he replied calmly, as though used to being galumphed by hyper 15-year-old girls. "Could you be so kind as to get off me?" he added pleasantly.  
  
"Oh, right, sorry," she told him, getting off and helping him up. "Can I take a shower somewhere? Or a bath? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease? I'm starting to smell like Aragorn." Even Boromir had to laugh at that.  
  
"Hey, just a minute." Aragorn began.  
  
"I'm kidding. Really. I love you. Or something," Laina told him, waving him away off handedly. The elf laughed.  
  
"I'll see what I can do," he told her, walking off.  
  
"What's wrong?" Laina asked Boromir, plopping down beside him. He didn't answer.  
  
"Boromir?" Aragorn asked gently from his other side.  
  
"I heard her voice inside my head," Boromir told them. "She said that there is hope still, yet I can not see it."  
  
"Aw, there's ALWAYS hope!" Casey insisted, standing up. "Hope is like oxygen! Hope is a many splendoured thing! Hope lifts us up where we belong! All you need is hope! Yeah, okay, I'm done ripping off my favourite movies now," she told them, sitting down. (Ah, the irony).  
  
"My father is a noble man but his reign is failing and our people lose faith. I would see the White City restored. My father looks to me to set things right but."  
  
Aragorn looked at him helplessly. "Yeah. That's a parent thing," Laina told him. "I get that too. Not to that extent, of course. But they expect me to be responsible and remember things and be smart and junk. And my little brother gets away with, like, EVERYTHING."  
  
He looked at her, vaguely interested. "Really? Sometimes it seems my brother does also."  
  
"Isn't it ANNOYING?" Laina asked. Boromir sat back with a slightly dreamy look on his face.  
  
"Have you ever sent the white gates of Gondor?" he asked them. "The banners blowing in the wind. To be called home by the clear sound of trumpets ringing across the hills."  
  
"Yes. My travels have taken me there long ago," Aragorn told him. Boromir turned to him.  
  
"One day you and I will pass that way and the cries will ring from the tower: 'The lords of Gondor have returned!'" All of a sudden Laina burst into tears.  
  
"What's with the dying?" she cried, running away.  
  
"Looks like you're not the only one with problems," Aragorn commented wryly.  
  
Later that night, Frodo woke up as Galadriel walked by. He silently followed her down many stairs. They reached a small grove with a stone basin in the center. Galadriel turned around. "Will you look into the mirror?" she asked him, holding a jar of water.  
  
"What will I see there?" Frodo asked, slightly suspicious.''  
  
"Not possibly water, no," Laina commented sarcastically from the stone she was sprawled over, reading. Galadriel ignored her.  
  
"Even the wisest cannot tell," she told him.  
  
"I know!" Laina announced. Once again she was ignored.  
  
"Things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass." Frodo stepped up and looked into the basin. Before he could se anything, however, Laina accidentally pushed him. He glared at her, spluttering, while his curls dripped.  
  
"Sorry," she apologized quickly. "But that bloody cricket is following me again." She pointed to a blue cricket on the ground behind her.  
  
Frodo blinked at her stupidly. Galadriel shook her head and sighed, wondering if the child had somehow gotten into the wine.  
  
"Right, sorry. carry on," Laina urged them, backing up. Once again Frodo looked into the water. There he could see all his friends. Then he saw hobbits, enslaved and being ordered around by orcs. Finally he saw an eye, drawing him ever closer. The ring started to fall towards the water and he pulled back quickly.  
  
"I know what you saw for it is in my mind also," Galadriel told him.  
  
"Reeeeeeally?" Laina asked pointlessly.  
  
"He will try to take the ring. You know of whom I speak," Galadriel warned.  
  
"I know what you would ask of me, yet I do not see the way," Frodo admitted.  
  
"For a start, you can NOT give it to the all-powerful elf lady," Laina suggested innocently. Frodo looked at Galadriel and slowly opened the palm of his hand holding the ring.  
  
"I would give it to you, if you ask it of me," he told Galadriel.  
  
"I said NOT to give it to her, genius," Laina told him, exasperated. Galadriel stepped towards Frodo, looking eagerly at the ring.  
  
"You give this ring to me freely?" she asked, stepping ever closer.  
  
"Oh boy, here we go again," Laina muttered, rolling her eyes.  
  
"I do not deny my heart has long desired this," Galadriel admitted, reaching for the ring. Suddenly she began to glow green. "In place of a dark lord you will have a queen!" she announced. "Not terrible, but beautiful and treacherous as the dawn!"  
  
"DAMMIT! I told you to STOP playing with the nuclear warheads, Kevin!" Laina yelled at the sky.  
  
Galadriel's crazy spell passed. "I have passed the test," she told them dreamily, returning to normal. "I will diminish and pass to the West and remain Galadriel."  
  
"I feel so alone," Frodo told her, big blue eyes sad. (a/n: altogether now: awwww. Truthfully, I only put this in here so the rabid Frodo/Elijah fangirls could collectively sigh and drool over his big blue eyes.)  
  
"To bear a ring of power is to be alone," Galadriel replied sympathetically. Laina rolled her eyes.  
  
"Well this is riveting," she drawled. "So riveting, in fact, that you'll have to excuse me before I pass out from utter ecstasy." With that she left, leaving Frodo blinking (big blue eyes again) after her, confused, and Galadriel shaking her head with a bemused smile on her face.  
  
The next day Laina came bounding in as the elves were loading the boats and the Fellowship was preparing to leave. "They braided my hair!" she announced happily to Legolas. He smiled and continued loading things. She was jumping up and down and laughing (somebody had given her sugar for breakfast). She was wearing dark green baggy cargo shorts and a deep blue top with bell-y sleeves. Her shoulder length dark hair was held back with a few tight braids and had dark blue streaks in it, which stood out vividly. Suddenly she stopped jumping and looked around. "Hey, we're not leaving, are we?" she demanded.  
  
"We must continue with our quest," Aragorn responded from behind her. She spun around.  
  
"But- but- but- but," she spluttered.  
  
"But what?" he asked nonchantly, mocking her.  
  
"We're not s'posed to leave now! We're s'posed to stay for awhile but you're not sure how long because the days kind of melt together because of the elves and its all mystical and magical and stuff and then when you leave it seems like its been about a couple of weeks but the moon is in almost the EXACT same position it was in when you came but there's no way it was actually a full month or long enough for the moon to go through all its phases but you were gone long enough that it SHOULD have changed SOMEWHAT." As Laina, continued talking, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at the oblivious girl. The hobbits, with eyes as wide as saucers, watched breathlessly, fully expecting her to keel over at any minute from lack of oxygen. Finally she stopped and took a huge breath. "Wooh, I feel dizzy," she giggled, staring up at nothing and wobbling slightly. Everyone blinked then returned to what they had been doing.  
  
"Can you paddle a boat?" Boromir asked Laina.  
  
"Uh-huh! I taught myself how at camp," she answered cheerfully.  
  
"All right." Boromir went off and spoke to Aragorn.  
  
"Kaaaaaaaaay," she muttered. She looked around. "I'm bored," she announced to nobody in particular.  
  
"Then make yourself useful," Haldir suggested from behind her, making her jump. He dropped a pile of things in her arms. She couldn't see over it. "Put these in the boat over there." Laina muttered something incoherent and wandered off in the general direction of the boats.  
  
"I can't see a bloody thing," Laina muttered. "Not a bloody butt fuc- gah!" She was cut off as somebody grabbed her arm. "What?" she asked irritable, still not able to see. Somebody relieved her of some of the pile.  
  
It was the elf she had jumped before. "You almost fell in the water," he told her, pointing to the bank about one step away.  
  
"Right. I meant to do that," she replied, nodding affirmatively. He shook his head and smiled, relieving her of the rest of the pile.  
  
"Go over there," he said, nodding his head to where the rest of the fellowship was lined up, waiting for something. "The Lady Galadriel wishes to bid you all farewell." She wandered over in that direction and stood at the end of the line beside Merry. Nine elves came towards them and fastened grey cloaks about their shoulders.  
  
"I get a cloak too?" Laina burst out excitedly.  
  
"Shh," the elf with her cloak intoned, frowning and stepping back. Galadriel walked gracefully in their direction. She gave Legolas a bow.  
  
"Presents!" Laina yelled happily. The elf frowned at her again, and she shut up. She stayed quiet while Galadriel gave the Light of Earendil to Frodo. Then she gave some elvish rope to Sam.  
  
"Nooo," Laina burst out. "You're not s'posed to give him rope! You're s'posed to give him DIRT!" Everyone turned to look at her. "Oh never mind," she told them, falling silent, but not before muttering, "Stupid Peter Jackson."  
  
Galadriel gave Merry and Pippin each a knife of the Noldrim (a/n: That's wrong, I know it is, I'm so sorry but I can't remember what it is) with a, "Yeah, I really trust them with that," from Laina.  
  
Then she turned to Gimli. "And what would a dwarf ask of an elf?"  
  
"Nothing more than to look upon the lady more beautiful than the dawn," he answered, flustered. Galadriel laughed and smiled kindly. Laina fought the urge to burst out laughing. "There is one thing." Gimli added, unsure of himself. "What I would give but for a lock of your hair."  
  
"You shall have it," Galadriel told him, and she disappeared.  
  
"You owe me $150 billion, USD," Laina told him, laughing.  
  
"What are you talking about?" he demanded gruffly.  
  
"I TOLD you you'd fall in love with her." Gimli glared at her but Galadriel returned before he could say anything. She gave him a case. He opened it and inside were three locks of her hair.  
  
Merry and Pippin, getting bored, looked around. They saw some elves walk by with pastries and tried to go after them. Laina tried (try being the key word- they both weighed more than her) to keep them behind. She was so intent on keeping them out of trouble that she didn't notice Galadriel standing in front of her.  
  
"What would you ask of us?" she asked, startling Laina and causing her to yelp and fall over.  
  
"I get a present too?" Laina asked, blinking up at her, legs splayed like a rag doll.  
  
"Yes," Galadriel answered, laughing slightly.  
  
"But I thought you like, hated me."  
  
"You have. grown on us," she answered, smiling amusedly. (a/n: I REALLY don't think that's a word, but yeah.)  
  
"Oh. So I get to pick a present?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Kay. hey! Can I take that really pretty elf home with me?" Laina asked, pointing to the elf from before. He turned to look at her. "HIII!" she yelled, waving at him vigorously. He smiled, shaking his head, and returned to what he'd been doing.  
  
"How about something that is NOT alive?" Galadriel suggested.  
  
"Damn. I was going to prove to them that I DO see elves. Kay, well then, something that's not alive. I don't know."  
  
Laughing, Galadriel called in elvish to a nearby elf. He went out of sight, then returned a few moments later, bearing a short sword. Laina blinked at it.  
  
"Will this do?" Galadriel asked her pleasantly.  
  
"I get a weapon?" Laina asked, eyes sparkling. "Yay! I won't die! Or, at least, I'll be able to kind of defend myself." She ran off, yelling as she went, "Hey Leggy, show me how to fight!"  
  
Galadrel turned to Aragorn who was still there, unlike the rest of the fellowship who were scattered about the area.  
  
"There is no gift I can give you greater than that which you already have," she told him, her hand traveling to the evenstar around his neck.  
  
"Hey, no fondling the future king!" Laina yelled from somewhere.  
  
Ignoring the outburst, Aragorn told Galadriel, "I would not have her remain here. I would have her leave theses shores with her people, and commit me to memory."  
  
"Yeah, 'till I beat her with a stick!" someone giggled from beside them. Both Aragorn and Galadriel looked down to see a girl, doubled over with laughter.  
  
She stopped and looked around. "Umm, kaaay." She looked confused. That wasn't the odd thing though. The odd thing was that it was Laina. However, her hair was all dark and in a short Chicago-y bob. She was wearing a black sequined tank top and jeans.  
  
"How'd we get here?" she asked.  
  
"We walked," Aragorn told her, wondering what had happened.  
  
"No shit?" she asked sarcastically. "But WHEN?!?"  
  
"After we left Moria?" he answered, confused.  
  
"What the bloody fucking hell? We were NEVER at bloody Moria! We were just at my house. remember, the crickets??"  
  
"What? No we weren't."  
  
"Right." She looked at him as though he were insane. Then she sighted and looked around, rubbing her forehead. "Where's Meghan?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
She stopped and looked at him. "Meg-han," she repeated, as though speaking to a small child.  
  
"I know of no Meghan."  
  
She blinked at him and spluttered a few nonsense words. Then she screamed in agitation. As she stood there massaging her temples, Merry and Pippin came over. They stared at her.  
  
"What happened to your hair?" Pippin asked her.  
  
"What are you TALKING about?" she asked, still rubbing her head.  
  
"It's short."  
  
"It was ALWAYS short."  
  
"It was long five minutes ago."  
  
Before Laina could respond, they heard someone, who was indefinitely Laina, yell, "Oops! Sorry, Leggy!"  
  
Legolas came walking towards them, laughing. He stopped when he saw Laina.  
  
"How did you do that?" he asked her.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"You were just in the woods. How did you get here so fast?"  
  
"No I wasn't. Have you all gone mad?"  
  
"You were," he insisted. "You practically cut off my arm, Laina."  
  
"Since when have you been calling me 'Laina'? NOBODY calls me that."  
  
"We ALL call you that," Merry told her.  
  
"No. You ALL call me 'Casey', along with the rest of the world."  
  
"Since when?"  
  
"Since this all started!" she told him, throwing up her hands.  
  
"No! All we've called you, besides annoying, is Laina!" he yelled.  
  
"What?" Laina (with long semi-blue hair) asked, walking towards them. Everyone looked from Laina to Laina in shock. With the exception of hair and clothes, they were identical.  
  
"Holy bloody fucking shit," they both said in perfect unison. The effect was rather eerie.  
  
"What the bloody hell is going on?" asked Laina (the real one).  
  
"I don't know," the other Laina (who shall now be known as Casey to avoid further confusion among readers) replied. "I was just sitting in the basement when that bloody cricket went by again and then I was here."  
  
"Cricket?" Laina asked, more to herself than anybody else. She seemed to be trying to remember something. All of a sudden she grabbed Casey's arm. "Who was with you?" she demanded.  
  
Casey shrugged. "Meghan. The rest of them were scattered around the house somewhere.  
  
"Who's 'them'?" Lain asked intently, digging her nails into Casey's arm.  
  
"Ouch," Casey complained, pulling her arm away. "Them. The fellowship. Plus the twins and Glorfindel and Haldir." Laina stared at her, frowning confusedly.  
  
"But that doesn't make sense."  
  
Casey blinked at her. self. "Let's recap the events of the past few days, shall we?" she asked dryly. "Let's see. I have a picnic with my best friend in the woods. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, FICTIONAL characters fall out of the SKY. Characters who just HAPPEN to be from out favourite book. So we end up promising to help them get back to their world despite the fact we don't even know how they got to OURS. So'm sitting in my basement, trying to figure out what the BLOODY HELL is going on when a random cricket hops by. And all of a sudden I'm in THEIR world, staring and talking to mySELF. I think we're a little beyond making sense right now."  
  
"But for you to be here, well, you just, CAN'T," Laina spluttered.  
  
"And why is that?" Casey asked, a tired expression on her face.  
  
"Because YOU'RE a fictional character," Laina exploded. "Everything that's happening to you- it's a story Meighan and I made up."  
  
"Right. And John Lennon's my uncle."  
  
"No, I'm serious! It's all a story."  
  
"Tell that to my walls."  
  
"I have the manuscript!" Laina yelled. "Well, I don't, actually, Meighan does. But I know everything that's happened and is going to happen! I know about Pizza Boy and the cats and 'You're sitting on me head' and twitching eyes- wait, I don't think that's happened yet. but I know all of it!"  
  
Casey paled. "You're serious," she gasped, incredulous. She sank to the ground, letting this sink in. "Oh my god," she breathed. "I'm a fictional character. I'm a bloody fucking fictional character. Does this mean I don't really exist?"  
  
"I don't know." Laina admitted. "I mean, you HAVE to exist in SOME respect. You couldn't be here if you didn't. And they," she pointed to the fellowship around her, "Were all, or at least, thought to be, fictional characters. But they don't seem too fictional to me."  
  
"One thing's for sure," Casey told her, eyes glittering slightly, "I'm never going to worry about bombing another bio test again." They both laughed, identical giggles.  
  
"How can we get her back to. wherever?" Boromir asked, bringing them back to reality.  
  
"I don't know," Laina told him unconcernedly.  
  
"But you MUST know. You got rid of all the others," Frodo reminded her.  
  
"And I BROUGHT them here, too. I didn't bring HER here. I've no idea how she ended up here."  
  
Maybe. flying purple. monkeys. dropped me off," Casey piped up from the ground. She and Laina locked eyes for a moment. Then, as if sensing each other's thoughts, they both burst out into twin laughter again. It was rather disconcerting for the others.  
  
"Wow. I. you. WE really nailed that one," Laina giggled.  
  
"Better believe it, baby," Casey agreed.  
  
"Are you two capable of a single intelligent thought?" Gimli asked, annoyed by their inane babbling.  
  
"Hey, I just met myself," Casey told him.  
  
"Yeah. You'd be a little spacey too," Laina agreed.  
  
"There must be SOME way we can get her home," Sam insisted.  
  
"Yeah. You know, this is great fun and all, but I shudder to think of what might happen to my house if I'm gone too long," Casey added.  
  
"It cannot be any worse than the havoc you, or rather, SHE has wrecked here," Haldir told her lazily. She stared at him.  
  
"You know, you're an awful lot nicer at home," Casey analyzed critically.  
  
"Well this is getting us nowhere," Boromir interrupted.  
  
"So are you," Casey added.  
  
"Yeah, he's never liked me much," Laina told her.  
  
Legolas sighed. "Could you please TRY to stay focused?"  
  
"You're the same bitch you are at home," Casey replied. He threw up his arms in exasperation. "What? I was kidding!" she insisted.  
  
"We must think of something," Aragorn told them. "We must leave soon."  
  
"Great. Maybe she should just click her heels together three times and chant 'There's no place like home,'" Laina muttered sarcastically.  
  
"Maybe I should just come with you," Casey suggested dryly.  
  
"No!" everyone in the fellowship shouted, except for Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Gee, I love you too," Casey wilted. Laina chewed on her lip, thinking. "Okay, this was fun for the first 15, maybe 20 minutes, but now I want to go home!" Casey whined.  
  
Suddenly a girl with short(ish) dark hair and blue-grey eyes appeared out of nowhere. "There you are!" she exclaimed, catching sight of Casey. She seemed completely unfazed by the fact that she had just randomly popped up in Lorien.  
  
"Meghan, how'd you get here?" Laina asked incredulously.  
  
"It's not important," Meghan answered, waving an arm impatiently. "We've got to go." She leaned in closer. "They've found the shower."  
  
"Not again," Casey moaned running off after her friend.  
  
"Kick Patrick for me!" Laina yelled after her. self.  
  
"I will!" came the distant reply.  
  
Laina turned to everyone who was standing around. "Well. That was definitely up there on my weirdest-things-to-ever-happen-to-me list," she announced.  
  
*** A big thank you to Meighan, for helping me figure out how to get rid of. well, me. Thank you! I love you! And your ovaries!!***  
  
Oh, if the last part kind of didn't make sense, with me coming in from the story, go here:  
  
  
  
Read it, it'll probably help clear things up. And review it too, just for good measure.  
  
Now, go to the bottom of the page and click the little review button. good job!! 


	10. In which Laina and Boromir argue a lot

I FINALLY got Chapter 10 (this is chapter 10, right? Wait. yes, it is) typed up! Yay! So now *certain people* *coughCarolyncoughMegancough* will stop asking me if I've updated chapter 10 yet. No, instead they'll start asking if I've finished chapter 11 yet, which I do have a good start on. I'm just kidding you guys! Although I'm not sure if you're reading this. Seriously, I love you. You motivate me to write. Or something. Yes.  
  
And now for the ultimate irony (or evil, if you happen to fear long words): the scientific word for a fear of long words is sesquipedalophobia. That amuses me more than it should. And by the way, did you know that the word for a fear of urinating is urophobia? Which is amusingly similar to the word that describes a fear of heaven (Uranophobia). Yes, Rhyan and I are finding random phobias on www.phobialist.com. We may be odd, but hell, it's fun.  
  
And to my dearest reviews (I love you all!!!):  
  
Ionuin: Hi Kat! I am SO your number 1 fan. I'm glad you like the story!  
  
Aranel: Of course you can join my We-Love-Glorfindel fan club!! Actually, having Asfaloth eat Arwen isn't a bad idea. I'm sure he won't mind. After all, he had to have her sit on him and yell "Noro lim Asfaloth!" over and over and OVER again.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Tolkien- y or Molly or Row Row Row Your Boat or the game Seven Minutes in the Closet. Yeah, I think that's it. I really, really, REALLY wish I owned Elrohir though. You don't know how happy that would make me.  
  
Flames: um, I just don't really care. Sorry, my creativity's been sucked away. Creativity? Where are you?  
  
The fellowship set off down the river. Laina had her own boat, filled with supplies. "Row, row, row your boat." she sang. She was singing at the top of her lungs, which meant it was also severely out of tune. Everyone winced.  
  
Then the 'river' (which was really little more than a stream) they were on joined the Anduin. The water where they joined was a little rapid- y and Laina soon lost control of her little boat.  
  
She screamed helplessly as the boat she was in swept downstream. Her boat crashed into Legolas', although miraculously neither broke. "Help me!" she yelled as her boat kept going, with her screaming all the way.  
  
Eventually the water calmed down a bit.  
  
"I thought you said you could row!" Boromir accused nastily as Laina regained control of her boat.  
  
"Yeah, in a LAKE," she replied irritably. "You never said ANYTHING about rapids."  
  
"Those were hardly rapids," he insisted.  
  
"Yeah, to you. I, on the other hand, have the strength of a cricket."  
  
"Look," Aragorn interrupted, pointing to the two tall stone statues. "My ancestors. Long have I desired to look upon the remains of my people."  
  
"Oh yeah, the magical giant rock men whose arms switch sides," Laina recognized.  
  
"They do not," Boromir told her with an odd look.  
  
"They do too!" she insisted.  
  
"They are stone. Their arms cannot simply switch sides," he pointed out.  
  
"But they do."  
  
"Honestly! You two bicker worse than we do," Merry piped up, referring to himself and Pippin.  
  
"We don't fight," Pippin told him.  
  
"Yes we do."  
  
"We don't!"  
  
"We do!" While Merry and Pippin had erupted into a mini-fight, they had gone unnoticed by the rest of the fellowship, who were listening to Laina and Boromir.  
  
"I don't CARE if they're stone. They're obviously MAGIC stone, because their arms. Switch. Sides," Laina argued stubbornly.  
  
"You two are worse than a couple of children," Aragorn admonished, desperate for peace.  
  
"And you were the most angelic child to have ever roamed Imladris," Legolas suggested with a slight smile.  
  
"When I was a CHILD, Legolas, not a grown man."  
  
"And what do you think she is?" he asked, with a pointed look at Laina.  
  
" 'M not a child," she insisted. Behind her, Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Point taken," Aragorn admitted.  
  
"Look," Laina told Boromir with a tone of finality. "When we get a little further downstream, just turn around and LOOK and you'll see their ar-AHH!" Laina was interrupted as the water picked up again and she once more lost control of her boat.  
  
The three boats paddling downstream with another swirling uncontrollably among them was undoubtedly a comical sight. Leoglas let himself relax, ignoring Laina's childish screams. Suddenly something on the far shore caught his attention. He couldn't see anything, but something was amiss, he could sense it. His focus was diverted as Aragorn led them to the shore.  
  
"Um, help would be nice," Laina suggested hopefully. She couldn't help but notice that while everyone else was heading for shore, her boat was drawing closer and closer to the falls. "There's food in here!" she announced. "It would be a shame for it to go over the falls. And, you know, it's be kind of nice if I didn't die BEFORE I was allowed to drive." Finally she lost all composure. "Guys. HELP!" she screamed.  
  
Sighing in amusement, Legolas grabbed her boat and pulled it to shore along with his. A few feet out, however, Laina managed to fall out of her boat without upsetting it. She came spluttering to shore dripping and shivering.  
  
"At least you managed to preserve the food," Legolas couldn't resist commenting dryly. She glared at him, and wrung her chest length blue and brown hair (which had turned navy and black from the water) over his feet.  
  
"We will rest here tonight, and take the eastern shore tomorrow," Aragorn informed them. Legolas looked concerned by this, but before he could say anything, Pippin shrieked.  
  
Everyone spun around. A ringwraith was gliding towards them. Legolas strung his bow while Aragorn and Boromir drew their swords. Gimli hauled out his axe and the four hobbits huddled behind them for protection. Laina frowned.  
  
"B-b-but there's not s-s'posed t-to be a ringwraith h-h-here n-now," she stuttered through chattering teeth.  
  
Right then the ringwraith stumbled slightly over the long, black robe trailing behind it. The black-gloved arms flailed for a moment.  
  
"I have never seen a wraith stumble," Aragorn muttered almost silently. In a flash he had grabbed the wraith from behind and had his sword pressed against its neck. He realized that the robed figure was nearly six inched shorter than himself, much too short to be a ringwraith. "Who are you really?" he demanded gruffly. A muffled squeak was heard. Aragorn ripped off the hood and jumped back in surprise.  
  
"Molly!" Laina yelled, and ran over to hug her friend whose blonde hair was now about chin length. They stood there hugging, squealing, and destroying Legolas' eardrums for a couple of minutes. They finally calmed down and Molly looked at her friend, who was still dripping and had resumed chattering.  
  
"What happened to you?" Molly asked curiously.  
  
"I f-fell in th-the lake," Laina answered sheepishly. "And n-not one of them had the d-decency t-to offer me s-s-something DRY." Molly laughed and handed Laina the cloak.  
  
"Yay!" Laina squealed and wrapped herself in it. Molly was now wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. Her nails were painted metallic purple. Molly looked around. Aragorn was trying to hide behind Merry. Molly burst out laughing and everyone turned to look at them.  
  
"Wow, you're discreet," Laina muttered.  
  
"Don't tell me you're afraid of me," Molly sniffled, pretending to cry.  
  
"Well... no..." Aragorn answered, looking rather embarrassed.  
  
"I'm not afraid of you!" Merry put in bravely. He ran over and hugged Molly's leg.  
  
"Aww, I'm glad SOMEONE'S not afraid of me," Molly said, hugging him back as best she could.  
  
"I'm not afraid of you!" Laina announced.  
  
"Besides you."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I'm not AFRAID of you. I just..." Aragorn trailed off, not exactly sure where he was going.  
  
"I think it is rather sweet," Legolas remarked innocently.  
  
"It was meant to be!" Molly announced, running over and hugging Aragorn around the waist. "Even elf-boy thinks so!"  
  
"I agree with the elf," Gimli told them stoutly with a grin.  
  
"That's three people who think so!" Laina announced. "Four if you include Molly."  
  
"I'm rather inclined to agree with them," Boromir added, snickering.  
  
"That's five!" Laina announced, for those who couldn't count.  
  
"There's a first. You and Laina agreeing," Aragorn commented dryly.  
  
"Well, you know, when it's something so OBVIOUSLY meant to be, of course they have to agree," Frodo laughed.  
  
"Six." At this point, Merry and Pippin were rolling on the ground and gasping for breath they were laughing so hard. "Yes. I'll take that as seven and eight," Laina decided.  
  
"Sam, tell me you, at least, are on my side," Aragorn pleaded, but he was obviously fighting back a grin.  
  
"Shut up, DARLING," Molly ordered, smacking him with the arm that wasn't around his waist.  
  
"I'm sorry mister Strider, sir, but it seems to me that everyone else is right," Sam told him, obviously not very sorry.  
  
"HA! Now it's unanimous," Laina announced. "Except, you know, for Aragorn. But he doesn't count."  
  
"How do I not count?"  
  
"You just don't. Now shut up. You and Molly were meant to be, and that's that."  
  
"But I don't even know her," he protested.  
  
"Hi, I'm Molly. My birthday's December 1, I'm 15, and I have a dog and a cat. That's good enough for now." The blond smiled at him charmingly.  
  
"You can't make me," Aragorn pouted stubbornly, looking all the world like a five year old. Molly glared at him.  
  
"Oh can't we now?" Laina asked.  
  
"No," Aragorn answered, but he looked more nervous and less sure of himself.  
  
"Oh, Legolas," Laina called sweetly.  
  
"Yes?" he answered with unconcerned amusement.  
  
"Does Aragorn happen to be ticklish?" At this Legolas smiled maliciously.  
  
"You wouldn't dare," Aragorn threatened the elf. Legolas raised an eyebrow.  
  
` "Judging by the look on his face, I wouldn't count on it," Boromir suggested. "And you know, this could be rather interesting..."  
  
"All right, all right, it was meant to be!" Aragorn burst out laughing. Everyone burst into cheers.  
  
"Now go play Seven Minutes in the Closet... woods... whatever," Laina ordered.  
  
"Okay!" Molly agreed, tugging on Aragorn's arm.  
  
"I don't think I like the sound of this," Aragorn protested weakly.  
  
"It sounds rather promising," Boromir laughed. Aragorn groaned.  
  
"Oh shit," Molly cried, looking at her watch. "I have synchro."  
  
"Thank the Valar," Aragorn sighed gratefully. Molly and Laina glared at him. "I mean... uh..." Aragorn spluttered. They continued to glare. Aragorn bent on one knee before Molly, "Until our next meeting I will think of you constantly , my lady fair and true," he proclaimed nobly, clasping her hand. Molly beamed at him. Then he stood and kissed her. Without prompting. And I mean he KISSED her. (a/n: OoOoOoOoO)  
  
Molly disappeared. "We should collect firewood," Aragorn decided, looking slightly dazed. Merry walked a short distance into the woods, looking for wood. "We will take the eastern shore at dusk and head for Emyn Muil to approach Mordor from the North."  
  
"Emyn Muil?" Gimli asked incredulously. He was sitting on the ground beside Pippin, who was eating again.  
  
"Yes," Aragorn told him, pausing for a moment.  
  
"Emyn Muil, an impassable labyrinth of razor sharp rocks?" Gimli persisted. Pippin stopped chewing slowly.  
  
"Enough," Laina interrupted sharply. She looked thoroughly stressed about something. "We don't need you scaring the hobbits half to death. Besides, I'm getting tired of listening to you say "razor sharp" over and over again." They all looked surprised at her sudden change of moods.  
  
"Nightfall will come soon enough. I advise you to rest and recover your strength while you still can," Aragorn suggested calmly to Gimli.  
  
"Rest? Recover my strength?" the latter spluttered. "Pay him no mind, young hobbit," the dwarf addressed Pippin. He then wandered away, muttering irritably to himself.  
  
Legolas came up behind Aragorn. "We should leave now," he warned, looking far off intently.  
  
"No," Aragorn stated flatly. "Orcs patrol the eastern shore regularly. We must wait for the cover of night."  
  
"It is not the eastern shore that worries me," Legolas told him, looking about cautiously. "A shadow and a threat have been growing in my mind. Something draws near, I can feel it." (a/n: Drum roll please. It's Leggy's big line! I could never cut it out, even though I gave him more. Now watch as the rabid Leggy fangirls collectively sigh and pass out at his 'intense manliness'. Or paranoia, whatever you want to call it. :P)  
  
Then they became aware of Laina. She was sitting cross-legged on their feet, meditation-style. Her eyes were scrunched shut, and she was chanting religiously, "I will not destroy the plotline, I will not destroy the plotline." Aragorn and Legolas shared worried looks.  
  
"Are you all right?" Legolas inquired, touching her shoulder.  
  
"I don't know anything!" she burst out, startled. "I don't know he dies!"  
  
"Who?" Aragorn asked quickly.  
  
"Who what?" she questioned cryptically, avoiding the question.  
  
"Who DIES?" he demanded, grabbing her shoulder.  
  
"You're hurting me," she told him. He gripped her shoulder tighter. (a/n: abusive little bastard, isn't he? *cringes as the Aragorn fangirls attempt to kill her* help!) "I don't know!" she yelled, wincing in pain and smacking his arm. "Let go."  
  
Legolas decided to try another approach, since Aragorn's obviously wasn't working. "Do not lie to us," he pleaded softly. "If someone's life is in danger, we must know." To their surprise, she burst into tears.  
  
"But I CAN'T tell you!" she wailed. "I want my Elrohir," she added, sniffling.  
  
"That worked," Aragorn muttered dryly, ignoring the comment about his foster brother.  
  
"And breaking her shoulder would really help," Legolas retorted with sarcasm dripping in his voice.  
  
Merry returned then, dumping some wood on the ground. "Where's Frodo?" came his concerned query as he looked around.  
  
"I know!" Laina yelled. Then she hit her head. "No, I don't, I don't, I DON'T."  
  
Aragorn shook her. "Is Frodo's life in danger?" But she had clamped her mouth shut like a five year old, and refused to say anything.  
  
"We have to do something!" Sam yelled, crawling out of the corner he had been huddled into. "Who knows what's out here!" Aragorn looked around. Everyone was looking to him for direction and leadership. Only then did he realize that Boromir was gone too.  
  
Author's Notes (like, besides the random ones that will occasionally pop up in random and inopportune [and possibly strategic] points during the story): Oooh, a cliffhanger! And in a humour story. Who'd a thunkit? Speaking of which, Cliffhanger is a very good movie. It is. And speaking of movies, I want to see Return of the King! Right now. And I'm sad, because TTT left theatres on Thursday. And I only got to see it three times, and THAT was way back in December. My parents made me stop because they said I was wasting my money. So now I have to wait until it comes out in August on DVD  
  
So review, and let me know what you think! Is it funny?? And should I end it at the end of FOTR and make TTT and ROTK into a separate story, or should it all be joined into one story? Because yes, I am making one of these for all three of the movies, and I don't care if you hate my story or even if nobody reads it. I'm having fun writing it. So HA.  
  
Yaay! My pooter has finally decided to start recognizing Aragorn as a word! It doesn't pop up in spell checks anymore! Not only that, but it actually suggests it if I misspell/type Aragorn. That makes me happy. And it makes me laugh. 


	11. Because it doesn't work in one part

Yaay! I finally got chapter 11 up! Be proud, be very proud. I've had it written forever, it's just taken me forever to have a chance to type/post it. But hey, I only have one chapter left to go, after this. I think. It depends on how I divide it up.. Heeeey, that's not good. It's saaaaad.. Well, pooh.  
  
And to my favourite reviewers (actually, my ONLY reviewers, but shhhh):  
  
Aranel: Yay Glorfindel!! I'm actually considering making Glorfindel bumper stickers. Or t-shirts. Or SOMETHING. It would be fun! And you are so right about the 'Noro Lim' thing. I mean really, if you were a horse being chased by 9 big black evil scary demon things, would YOU slow down? No, I didn't think so. And I love Tom Bombadil! And as for not knowing the twins, well.. just.. pooh on them. I love the twins! As much as I love Glorfindel!! And not knowing Tolkien. That's just SAD. I mean, he only created the whole story line!!!! Duuuuur. I WOULD have slapped her across the face. Either that or just stared at her while spluttering incoherently. Anyway, I'm glad you like the chapter. I don't really think about it as 'ganging up' on Aragorn. I mean, he did get Molly. lol.. I love my Molly.  
  
Ionuin: I love you Kat!!! I'm your #1 fan!! And your cameo is this chapter!! Yay! Whenever I get it up!!! And I had that dream AGAIN last night. It's really starting to freak me out man!!!  
  
Megan: I so do not have a fear of fog! I love fog, thankyouverymuch. God, I'm weird. What kind of odd person prefers fog and wind and rain over sunshine? Me! Yeah, Niko: I'm scared of stuff too!! I love your ovaries!!! And make up your mind about the funny little side notes! First you say you don't want me to include them, then you say you don't, know you're saying you do!! Whee! Jebus Christmas, what the hell am I writing?? I'm heartbroken. Jesus didn't win grade 11 rep. Sniff. And you DO have a cameo!! In this chapter. Wait your turn! :P  
  
Disclaimer: Same old sob story- I don't own anything. Gabriel and Catherine are Kat's characters. Well actually, she doesn't own Gabriel either. He's from The Patriot. But if I owned him (do you know how cool that would be??) I'd give him to Kat. Because that's how much I love her. And you really should read her story. It's a very good story. Oh wait, I own the Mary Sue. Although, I really wish I didn't. Someone want a Mary sue??  
  
Chapter 11: Stuff happens. And I can't remember what stuff exactly, because it's been quite awhile since I wrote this.  
  
Aragorn paced back and forth, trying to decide what to do.  
  
"You're making me dizzy," Gimli growled irritably.  
  
"Well? What are we to do?" Sam persisted. They were interrupted from further discussions by a rustling in the trees behind them. They cautiously turned around to look. A girl walked out of the trees. She had short brown hair, so dark it looked black. Her eyes were dark too. She was kind of short and kind of tall. She was wearing jeans with a white t-shirt and a light beige jacket. She also had glasses with green red and black frames.  
  
"Don't kill me!" she squeaked, cowering as she caught sight of them. They drew their weapons. "Oh, wait!" she said, straightening up. "Um, I'm uh, I'm a great.. Sorceress! I will attack you with my magic.. uh." she trailed off, patting around in her pockets, looking for something to be used as a weapon. "I will attack you with my trusty.. pencil?" She laughed nervously and tried to back away, pointing the extremely dull pencil at them.  
  
"Who are you?" Pippin finally demanded bravely.  
  
"It's Megan," Laina answered dutifully from the floor, where she was playing chess with herself. "GROUND, not floor. We're outside. It's the ground," Laina announced, still not looking up.  
  
"What?" Aragorn asked, turning away and looking at her oddly. Laina sighed loudly.  
  
"I SAID, it's Megan.. Megan!" she yelled and jumped up, hugging the girl. (a/n: Is anyone else getting confused by all the Meg(h)ans? I know I sure as hell am)  
  
"Hi!" Megan said before laughing.  
  
"Come play chess with me," Laina ordered, and they both started to play chess on the same side of the chessboard.  
  
"You know this one too?" Aragorn asked, already knowing the answer.  
  
"Uh huh," Laina chirped.  
  
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Legolas asked rhetorically. (Go see the LOTR extended version DVD. Go!)  
  
"What's this?" Pippin asked, looking at the chessboard curiously.  
  
"You eat it," Megan told him with false sincerity.  
  
"Really?" he asked eagerly, and before either of them could say anything, he popped the white queen in his mouth. "Eych!"  
  
"No Pippin! She wasn't serious," Laina cried.  
  
"Oh." He spit it into his hand and offered it back to them sheepishly. Laina blinked at him and Megan laughed.  
  
"Ooh!" Laina yelled suddenly, jumping up. "I have to annoy certain people. Go, um.. mingle or something." She ran off.  
  
"Wait, do you know where Frodo is?" Aragorn asked. But she was already gone. He turned around. Megan was right behind him. "Ah!" he yelled, startled.  
  
"Ahhhhh!!!" she screamed loudly.  
  
*****  
  
Frodo was examining a statue in the woods. "None of us should wander alone," Boromir warned, coming up behind him with a pile of wood. "You least of all. So much depends on you.." Frodo looked at him and turned away. "I know why you seek solitude," Boromir continued. "You suffer, I see it day by day. Are you sure you do not suffer needlessly? There are other ways, Frodo, other paths you might take."  
  
"Oh, give it up," Laina sighed, walking towards them. She was wearing an orange tank top and a black sarong with flames on it. Her hair was up in a high ponytail, and the blue streaks had turned scarlet. "We all know you want the ring," she added, pointing a red and black fingernail at him.  
  
"I do not!" he protested too quickly. "I merely fear for Frodo's safety."  
  
"Yeah huh, sure."  
  
"I know what you would say," Frodo interrupted. "And it would seem like wisdom, but for the warning in my heart."  
  
"Warning?" Boromir laughed, but there was a nervous edge to it. "Warning against what?"  
  
"Well of course it isn't against you," Laina muttered sarcastically. He glared at her and reached out to smack her arm, but she jumped back and stuck her tongue out at him.  
  
Boromir ignored her and turned to Frodo. "We are all afraid. But to let this fear destroy our hope.. Do you not see? It is madness."  
  
"There is no other way," Frodo insisted, backing away slightly.  
  
"All I ask is for the strength to defend my people!" the man yelled, throwing the pile of wood he held to the ground.  
  
"Calm down, Bobo," Laina told him, glaring suspiciously. Ignoring the Bobo comment, he took a deep breath, calming himself down.  
  
"If you would but lend me the ring," Boromir propositioned, stepping closer.  
  
"Um, how about.. No," Laina intruded.  
  
"Will you stop?" he thundered. She fell backwards and sat there, blinking at him in surprise. Boromir noticed Frodo had backed away. "Why do you recoil? I am no thief."  
  
"You are not yourself," Frodo replied carefully.  
  
"What chance do you think you have?" Boromir demanded angrily. "They will find you and take the ring, and you will beg for death before the end."  
  
"Little ray of sunshine, aren't you?" Laina asked sarcastically. "Don't listen to him Frodo," she added, standing up. She glowered at Boromir. "He's just a bloody ass. Come on." She and Frodo started to walk away.  
  
"Fools!" Boromir called after them. He started to chase them. "It is not yours save by unhappy chance! It could have mine!"  
  
"Yeah, right," Laina said, stopping. "Somehow I can't see ANYBODY trusting you with the ability to control the world." Ignoring her words, Boromir pushed her down.  
  
"It should have been mine!" he yelled, jumping on Frodo and trying to take the ring. "Give it to me! Give it to me!"  
  
"No!" Frodo yelled, fighting back.  
  
"Oh, nice one," Laina growled. "Way to squash the slash, Boromir. Straddling the hobbit and screaming 'give it to me' while trying to grope him probably isn't the best way to stop annoying anti-grammar writers from making you into some pervy hobbit fancier." She was blatantly ignored by the two fighting on the ground.  
  
"Give it to me!" Boromir yelled again, almost grasping the ring.  
  
"No!" Frodo screamed once more, before popping on the ring and disappearing. Boromir looked around.  
  
"I see your mind!" he announced. "You will take the ring to Sauron and betray us all. You go to your death, Frodo, to your death and the death of us all!" There was a break of silence as both Boromir and Laina looked around. "Curse you!" Boromir screamed in anguish. "Curse you and all the Halflings!" A log moved as Frodo ran over it.  
  
"Thank you very much," Laina yelled at Boromir. "Now I have to go find him. Do you know how hard it is to find a two-foot hobbit anyway? Let alone when he's INVISIBLE!" She kicked Boromir in the stomach and ran off. He fell to the ground.  
  
"Frodo?" Boromir asked pitifully. "Please Frodo, I 'm sorry. What have I done? Frodo!"  
  
"Frodo?" Laina called, wandering through the wood. "Come one, Frodo, I don't want the bloody ring. Honest to god, and people say I'M impulsive.. FRODO!"  
  
Just as she was walking by some ruins, Frodo fell off and landed on her. "Umph. You're sitting on my head," she groaned.  
  
*****  
  
While Laina had been looking for Frodo, back on the shore Aragorn had finally decided what to do.  
  
"I will look for Frodo. The rest of you STAY HERE."  
  
"You're looking for Frodo?" Megan asked from the ground where she sat talking to Merry and mingling.  
  
"Yes," Aragorn answered suspiciously. "Do you know where he is?"  
  
"Off getting mauled by Boromir," Megan informed him nonchalantly. "He wants the ring."  
  
"What?!" Aragorn hauled her up by the shoulder. "Take me to them," he insisted.  
  
"Geez, what do you think I am?" Megan demanded crossly. "Someone who knows what direction they're going? I don't know where they are." But Aragorn had already sprinted off into the woods, dragging her with him.  
  
The rest of the fellowship stood there until Legolas broke the silence. "I wish to have a look around," he told them. "Will you come with me, master dwarf?" Gimli grunted a reply, and the two set off.  
  
"I can't stand this," Sam burst out after a few silent minutes. "I'm going to find mister Frodo. For goodness sake, you two stay here." He left too, running off in the direction Laina had taken.  
  
"Merry," Pippin addressed his cousin in his lilting accent. "Why does everyone else get to leave while we stay here?"  
  
"I don't know, Pip," Merry answered. "But I say we go off too. C'mon." The two disappeared, abandoning the camp as well as all the supplies.  
  
*****  
  
"Frodo!" Aragorn called, catching sight of him and Laina. They turned around. "Why didn't you tell me Boromir would try to take the ring?" he demanded, drawing closer.  
  
"You told him?" Laina asked incredulously, turning to Megan. "You're not s'posed to tell them what happens! You could ruin the whole story!"  
  
"Umm, oops?" came the reply.  
  
"Where is it now?" Aragorn interrupted, his voice taking a darker tone.  
  
"Not you too," Laina muttered as Frodo stepped back behind her. He'd long since figured out that either she was too stupid to want the ring or else it didn't have the same effect one her. At any rate, she offered him some form of protection should any more rabid humans decide they wanted to control Middle Earth.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Aragorn asked. "I swore to protect Frodo."  
  
"Can you protect me from yourself?" Frodo asked, looking at Aragorn nervously.  
  
"C'mon. Let's sit back, enjoy the popcorn, and watch their noble little speech thing," Laina whispered to Megan.  
  
"But there's no popcorn," Megan whispered back.  
  
"Oh. Right." Laina snapped her fingers and they were on a comfy, overstuffed (FAKE) leather couch, with a huge bowl of popcorn between them. They sat back as Aragorn stepped towards the ring, hearing it call his name. Abruptly he closed Frodo's hand.  
  
"I would have gone with you to the end," he told Frodo intently. "Into the very fires of Mordor."  
  
"Take care of the others. Especially Sam. He will not understand," Frodo requested sweetly.  
  
Laina stood up suddenly and began clapping. "Bravo! Excellent performance! I think I'm going to cry. I nominate the tree for best supporting actor." She snapped her fingers again and the couch disappeared, leaving a dejected looking Megan on the ground without the bowl of popcorn. "Now can we please get a move on? They'll be here any minute now." She looked increasingly more nervous.  
  
"Who-" Aragorn started to ask, but cut himself off. He drew his sword suddenly. Frodo did the same, revealing a very blue Sting.  
  
"Caught on, have you?" Laina asked dryly.  
  
"Go," Aragorn told them. "Protect Frodo," he added to Laina.  
  
"Just a second." Laina snapped her fingers, and her scarlet streaks were replaced with purple. She was wearing loose black sweat pants and a purple tank top with famous cities in glittery letters. Her nails matched the shirt and hair. "Okay, we're good now."  
  
"Wait," Megan said slowly. "Why are you going?"  
  
"Orcs draw near," Aragorn told her, impatient to get Frodo to safety.  
  
"Right. And they have swords and stuff too, don't they?"  
  
"Yes," Laina told her. "Which is why we have to go. NOW."  
  
"So they have sharp pointy things. That could kill me."  
  
"YES!" Frodo, Laina and Aragorn all but shouted as one.  
  
"Right. I'll be going now." With that, Megan disappeared. They could hear the sounds of an army of orcs drawing closer.  
  
"Run!" Aragorn urged them again.  
  
"C'mon!" Laina yelled. She grabbed Frodo's hand and dragged him off as Aragorn turned to face the orcs. He began fighting, killing as many as possible to keep them from reaching Frodo.  
  
In the woods, Legolas could hear the sounds of the outnumbered battle. "We must aid Aragorn!" he told Gimli, and the two raced off.  
  
Merry and Pippin could hear the sounds too. "Hide!" Merry hissed, and the two dove into the bushes.  
  
"Sam, also hearing the sounds, ran faster. He was desperate to find Frodo before the orcs did.  
  
Laina and Frodo skidded down the slope. "Hide here," Laina told Frodo, pushing him into a hollow at the base of a tree. "Stay here until.. Well, you'll know when." She ran off, carefully avoiding some orcs and wishing she could help them all further.  
  
As Aragorn battled an orc, an arrow came from behind, killing another that was sneaking up on him. (Sneak sneak) He turned around briefly. Legolas was there, shooting arrows while Gimli flung his axe, catching many of the orcs.  
  
"Find the Halflings!" the head orc ordered.  
  
"Dare I say I told you so?" Legolas muttered, fighting near Aragorn.  
  
"Find the Halflings!" the orc ordered again.  
  
"This is getting rather monotonous," Legolas muttered. He gave Aragorn a push. "Go Aragorn!" he yelled, killing two orcs at once with his spectacular archery skills. (So exciting the audience will stomp and cheer, so delighting it will run for 50 years!) The man raced off.  
  
Frodo leaned against the tree, praying to nobody in particular that the passing orcs wouldn't see him. Across the path, Merry and Pippin popped up. (pop!)  
  
"Frodo! Hide here!" Pippin whispered loudly. Frodo looked at them and shook his head. His big blue eyes filled with sadness and courage at the thought of leaving those who had become his dearest friends. (a/n: sniff!)  
  
"What's he doing?" Pippin asked Merry.  
  
"He's leaving," Merry answered, reading Frodo's eyes.  
  
"What? No!" Pippin jumped out of the bushes.  
  
"Pippin!" Merry hissed, jumping after him. They could see the orcs up the hill heading towards them. Merry locked eyes with Frodo. "Run Frodo," he whispered. Then he began screaming, trying to get the orcs attention.  
  
Although he wasn't quite sure what his cousin was doing, Pippin joined in too. Merry pushed him and the two raced off into the direction opposite of Frodo. Frodo sat still for a moment, unsure of what to do. He knew this was the moment Laina had been speaking of, and yet he couldn't just leave his cousins to who knows what end.  
  
"Go!" Laina hissed, popping up beside him (once again, pop!)  
  
"But Merry and Pippin.." He began.  
  
"Will be fine!" she insisted. Still he lingered. "Look, they're risking their lives to give you a chance to get away. I don't think they'll be too pleased if you just sit here 'till you get caught. I swear, I won't let anything happen to them." Finally Frodo was convinced. He jumped up and ran away.  
  
"It's working!" Pippin announced proudly, pausing for a moment in front of Merry.  
  
"I know it's working," Merry told him grimly. "Keep running!"  
  
"Not that way!" they heard Laina yell. She ran over and dragged them in a different direction. "God, you can't even follow the plotline on your own." They stopped on the pine needle littered ground, past the ruin of an old bridge. They were surrounded by orcs, who were coming closer.  
  
"Well. THAT worked," Merry commented.  
  
"I think OUR way would have been better," Pippin added.  
  
"But if you hadn't of come this way, so many things would go wrong. You wouldn't have been ta- no, wait. I can't tell you that. They wouldn't have kill. can't tell you that either. But it really would have messed things up."  
  
"That helps us now," Merry muttered. They stood bravely, facing the orcs who were drawing close at a rapid speed, swords flashing.  
  
"Eep!" Laina squealed as a sword almost hit her. Boromir came running up, blocking the hit.  
  
"Get back!" he yelled to the three, killing an orc. They ran back before Boromir turned again to fight back more orcs. Merry and Pippin helped, doing what they could with their small swords. Laina cowered behind them.  
  
"Hey, wait," she said suddenly. "I have a sword too!" She pulled it out and killed a random orc. Boromir threw a knife, which landed squarely in the neck of one of the orcs. He continued to push Laina, Merry and Pippin further back behind him.  
  
Suddenly Laina caught sight of something walking towards them. She stopped and gasped, and then whimpered.  
  
"What is it?" Boromir demanded, shooting her a glance over his shoulder.  
  
"Nothing," she answered quickly. "Just.. just keep fighting."  
  
"What's going on?" Pippin asked her. She didn't answer. She could only watch in horror as Lurtz drew his crossbow and shot Boromir in his left shoulder. Boromir fell to his knees, gasping in pain.  
  
Out of nowhere, a woman ran towards them. Her long dark hair was pinned up in a messy manner. A man came right behind her, with tousled blond hair and bandages around his abdomen. Both were dressed in the manner of the revolutionary era. The woman pushed Boromir down. Nobody moved, wondering who they were and where they had come from.  
  
"Lie back," she ordered. Surprised, Boromir did so.  
  
"Um, excuse me?" Laina asked, tapping her shoulder.  
  
"Yes?" the woman replied. She didn't look at Laina; too busy ripping up cloth strips.  
  
"I think.. maybe.. you might be, well, in the wrong story," Laina told her, faltering slightly. This was incredibly hard to explain. The woman looked at her for a fleeting instant.  
  
"Story?" he repeated. "I don't know what you are talking about. But no matter what side this man fights for, I will do my best to save his life." Laina blinked and stepped back. This woman, obviously from the American Revolution, didn't seem to have realized that the other side consisted of large, monstrous goblins. She tried to remove Boromir's armour. He batted her hands away.  
  
"Help," he mouthed pleadingly to Laina. She bit her lip and looked around.  
  
The man who had arrived with the woman had finally become aware of their surroundings. He stared around in shock. "My god," he whispered. He stepped forward. "Catherine," he said, a note of urgency in his voice.  
  
"Quiet," she ordered. He obliged, falling back.  
  
"Well, at least you have some sense," Laina told him. She was unfazed by the orcs, who, being completely stupid and moronic were not taking advantage of the fact that their enemy was distracted and were instead standing there. Looking stupid. "I'm Laina," she offered, holding out her hand to the man. He just looked at her warily. She shrugged.  
  
"Laina, what's going on? Who are these people and why do they look so weird?" Merry asked.  
  
"And why won't he talk?" Pippin added. "It's quite rude." The man looked at them, backing away nervously.  
  
"I can't blame him," Laina answered sympathetically. "I mean, he just appears here, with us dressed all weird, and these creepy evil black things, and three feet tall men with furry feet. It would seem pretty weird to me too, if I didn't know what was going on."  
  
"You mean they don't have hobbits where he's from?" Pippin asked, incredulously.  
  
"Nope. Nor do they have elves or dwarves or wizards or orcs or anything except for humans."  
  
"But that's terrible!" Pippin exclaimed. "Well, maybe not the lack of orcs. But the rest of it, that's, well, HORRIBLE."  
  
"Well, at least I bet they don't have to go on horrid quests to destroy evil rings. They avoid all the battles," Merry offered, trying to find something good in a world of only humans.  
  
"Oh no, are you kidding? They just fight amongst themselves," Laina explained. Merry and Pippin shared looks of horror.  
  
"Catherine," the man stated again, even more urgently than before. "Catherine, I think these people are mad!" He was ignored by the woman, still desperately tending to Boromir, who was still attempting to fight her off.  
  
"Catherine.." Laina muttered to herself, trying to remember something. The man turned to look at her, slightly intrigued by everything that had occurred, and found her staring at him intently. "Aren't you Heath Ledger?" she asked him, frowning.  
  
"Who?" He didn't know what on earth she was talking about. He felt slightly uncomfortable from the way this odd little girl was staring at him. She was very strange, wearing man's pants, and with purple hair. She stared at him for a moment longer and then realization dawned over her face.  
  
"Gabriel," she stated. His mouth dropped open and he backed even further away.  
  
"Yes," he told her. "That is my name. But.. but how did you know?" Laina ignored him. She seemed to be thinking, and started muttering to herself. She stepped a few feet away. "Kat!" Laina yelled at the sky.  
  
"Is yelling random animals at the sky supposed to be a form of helping me?" Boromir asked dryly. Laina looked at him sharply.  
  
"Quiet you," she ordered. She looked back up at the sky. "Kathleen Healy, get your ass over here!"  
  
A girl with long, wavy dark hair appeared. She was tall with light skin and multi-coloured eyes. She was wearing light blue flannel pyjama pants and a long grey t-shirt. She blinked.  
  
"Hi Casey," she greeted Laina, smiling disarmingly. Laina didn't buy it.  
  
"I believe these are YOUR characters?" she accused, pointing to a stunned Gabriel and Catherine. Kat laughed nervously.  
  
"Oh, so that's where they were," she said, moving to stand by Gabriel. "I've been looking for them everywhere." Laina raised an eyebrow, although her eyes were laughing.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Gabriel whispered rather loudly. "You told us to come here." Kat indiscreetly kicked him.  
  
"He's still not feeling well," Kat announced, lying blatantly. "He has a fever.. Doesn't know what he's saying."  
  
"Right." Laina quite obviously didn't believe her.  
  
"I am fine," Gabriel insisted. He was laughing too, and seemed to enjoy getting Kat into trouble.  
  
"No, you're not," Kat reminded him through clenched teeth.  
  
"Kat?"  
  
"Ye-es," she replied to Laina.  
  
"Get out of my story."  
  
"Okay," Kat agreed dejectedly. "But make sure you read my story! It's at ted to walk away.  
  
"Bye!" Laina called after them. "It was nice to meet you, Gabriel! And you too, Catherine. Even though I didn't really meet you. I just kind of, um, yelled at you. Sorry about that! Have fun! See you later!"  
  
"You're my number one fan!" Kat announced.  
  
"I know!" Laina yelled back. "I love your ovaries!"  
  
"I love your ovaries too!" They disappeared. 


	12. And the second part of chap 11

For some reason every time I uploaded chapter 11, ff.net took out about half from the middle. So I decided to post it in two parts. Hopefully it'll work. Anyhoo, this is just the second part of chapter 11. Disclaimers etc. from previous chapter still apply.  
  
Everyone stood there silently. Nobody moved; they were too shocked at what had happened. Finally Boromir heaved himself to his knees, somehow managing to stand up. He slayed an orc, jolting everyone back to reality.  
  
After a couple more minutes of fighting, another arrow twanged loose from the deadly crossbow. This one caught Boromir in his lower left abdomen. He fell to his knees, breathing heavily. Seeing Merry and Pippin's shocked faces, he pulled himself up one last time, killing an orc that drew too near.  
  
Out of nowhere, another girl appeared. She saved Boromir's life by killing an orc that had somehow managed to get behind them all without any of them seeing it. Boromir dropped his sword without even realizing it, too busy was he with staring at her everlasting beauty. Merry and Pippin, battle forgotten, were staring in awe and actually drooling. Only Laina wasn't captured by this wonderful girl's spell. In fact, she seemed rather annoyed and disgusted.  
  
The girl was tall, with legs that went on forever. Her chest was so huge that Laina couldn't help wondering how she managed to keep from falling over. It was obvious by her pointed ears and 'inhuman grace' that she was an elf, or at least half of one. Her long hair was both curly and straight. It also managed to be raven black, several of the most beautiful shades of blonde and brown, and red as fire all at once, with a couple shades of blue and purple mixed in for good measure. Personally, Laina though it looked like someone had thrown up a really fucked up rainbow on her head. The eyes of this maiden, both round and almond shaped (which actually IS possible. Mine are.) changed colour every time Laina gave them a second glance. They went from a deep ocean blue to a storm cloud grey. Then they turned to a piercing emerald green, an unrecognizable shade of purple, a lighter sky blue, silver, mud brown, a dull faded green, black, the colour of manure, hazel, blue and yellow, and, finally, gold. Then the cycle repeated itself. Her skin was fair and yet tanned, and her long nails never broke, nor were they ever likely too.  
  
"Who the hell are you? You're a bloody Mary Sue, aren't you?" Casey demanded irritably, ignoring the smacks Merry and Pippin were giving her arms at being so rude to someone so beautiful.  
  
"I am Marinella the fair," the girl answered, not even winded from her fighting. "I come from the forgotten land of Doriendellwood. I ran away because my presence there rings harm to my people. I have a power within me stronger than any other in Middle Earth. Even the ring of power is a trinket in comparison. Sauron searches for me. Even now he searches. He will not rest until he finds me. So I will join the fellowship in their quest until we can find a way to defeat Sauron." Finishing with the 'noble' part of her speech, the Sue's voice took on an irritating, nerve grating, ditzy tone. "And of course I'll win the love of my precious Leggy-Weggy and we'll either live happily ever after or else I'll die a tragic and untimely but noble death for the good of everyone else and he'll mourn me forever and ever and always until he finally dies from grief so we can share in death what we could not have in life. I haven't decided yet."  
  
"No!" Laina exploded. "You stupid bimbo! There is no tragically forgotten land of Dornenelland or whatever you called it. It's just a very unoriginal mishmash of parts of names of existing places. And as for having a power greater than the ring, there is none! If there was, I'm pretty sure they'd know about it, considering Gandalf is one of the Istari! But of course you wouldn't know that because of course you haven't read the books. Well I have news for you! There are nine members of the fellowship. Nine. That's it, that's all, there is no more. And of those nine, they are all distinctly male. Well, except for Gimli. I'm not quite sure what he is. But the point is, you're not part of the fellowship!"  
  
Marinella glared at Laina. "If there's only nine members of the fellowship, what are you?"  
  
"Annoying!" Laina announced. "I tag along and annoy them. And maybe occasionally get them to follow their own plotline. I don't join them and force them to fall madly in love with me. Speaking of which, I've met Legolas, which I doubt you can even SAY, and take it from me sweetheart, he's not likely to die from grief if you die. He's more likely to throw a party! And I wouldn't go after him if I were you anyway. Meghan'll kill you." At the mention of Meghan, the Sue looked around nervously. Laina, oblivious as usual, continued ranting. "And I'd really reconsider that name. It makes me think of salmonella."  
  
"You're pretty," Pippin spluttered. Merry just stood there, glaze- eyed. Laina rolled her eyes, hoping this wasn't making them more brain-dead than they already were. She snapped a large, steaming hot pizza out of mid- air.  
  
"Mmm. Nummy. Pizza," she tempted, holding it under their noses. It had no effect. "Oh, Jesus Christ," she muttered, and stuffed a piece in each of their mouths. They snapped out of it immediately and grabbed the pizza greedily.  
  
Boromir had found a flower that had miraculously not been trampled despite being under a battle. He picked it and headed to Marinella, walking with ease despite the fact that he had two arrows sticking out of his torso.  
  
"A flower for you, my lady," he addressed Marinella.  
  
"Thank you, Boromir," she responded graciously. "But you should rest. Your wounds must cause you great pain."  
  
"All pain disappears under the gaze of your beauty," he told her. "When you look at me, all I can fell is warmth and love." Merry and Pippin, oblivious to the fact that they had been just as pitiful moments before, both gagged in disgust, while finishing their pizza. Laina rolled her eyes.  
  
"Kill me now," she muttered.  
  
At that moment, Meghan appeared. She looked around and realized that an orc, brandishing a very painful looking object, was running towards her. She ducked and the orc flipped over her back.  
  
"I didn't know I could do that," she giggled. Her hair was short and blonde and she was wearing white pants and shirt with a black tie. Looking around, she spotted the Mary Sue, ran over, and kicked her in the shins. "I told you to stop screwing with the story!" Meghan yelled, ignoring the high- pitched screams coming from Marinella. Boromir shook his head, slowly coming out of his daze, and blinked.  
  
"What happened?" he asked sleepily, looking around.  
  
"She ran away AGAIN," Meghan told him, pointing to the girl whimpering on the ground. "Bloody bitch," she added, giving her another kick.  
  
"Look out!" Merry called out suddenly. The orcs had given up figuring out what was happening, and were coming towards them again.  
  
Boromir turned to face them. He fought them back as best he could. Meghan and Laina helped too, kicking the Mary Sue whenever possible. Finally one last shot was fired from Lurtz's crossbow. This one caught Boromir in his left side, about halfway between the other two. He fell to his knees, knowing he would not get up again.  
  
Merry and Pippin just stared, shocked. Then Merry yelled and he and Pippin ran forward to attack the orcs.  
  
"Dammit!" Laina yelled. Meghan grabbed her.  
  
"Don't go messing around with stuff," she warned.  
  
"I know," Laina told her. "But my poor little hobbits." They watched as the orcs grabbed the two hobbits. "Hey!" Laina yelled as one of them hit Pippin. "You weren't s'posed to do that!" She ran towards them, leaving Meghan standing behind looking exasperated.  
  
"Great," Meghan muttered.  
  
"What d'you think you're doing?" Laina demanded. "Don't hurt the poor little hobbits!" In response, one of the orcs picked her up and started carrying her away too. "Hey!" she shrieked. "Put me down! You're not s'posed to take me too!"  
  
"Yes we are," the orc replied almost incoherently. "Under strict orders from Lord Saruman. Take the Halflings and the girl."  
  
"No fair!" Laina screamed as they ran away.  
  
"Shit," Meghan announced.  
  
"I could get them," Marinella suggested hopefully.  
  
"Don't even think about it," Meghan warned.  
  
Boromir remained oblivious to their conversation, simply focusing on breathing and not passing out. He watched the feet of many orcs run by, and then one set stopped directly in front of him. He could hear the twang of a crossbow being loaded and knew without looking that Lurtz was waiting to finish him off. Boromir prepared himself for death, wishing only that he'd had the chance to speak with his father and brother one last time. The crossbow was pulled back and suddenly a yell was heard. With the last of his strength, Boromir looked up.  
  
Just in time (I guess he was making up for being too late for Frodo), Aragorn had arrived. He was fighting back Lurtz while Meghan watched intently.  
  
"Like, uh, go Aragorn!" Marinella cheered, as Aragorn avoided a heavy blow.  
  
"Shut UP," Meghan hissed, kicking her again.  
  
Finally, after hacking off Lurtz's arm, Aragorn caught Lurtz in the stomach with his sword. (a/n: I apologize for the description in this scene, or lack thereof. I'm not trying to un-glorify Aragorn in any way. I just can't think how it goes right now, and I'm desperate to get this done.) The hideous thing was unaffected, simply pulling Aragorn closer by this sword. Aragorn promptly ripped his sword out and hacked off Lurtz's head.  
  
Boromir, sighting with relief, collapsed in utter exhaustion. 


	13. Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

Gasp! It's the last chapter. Whoo hoo! I've finally finished this stupid fic! Just in time for TTT to come out on DVD (4 days) and start the second. Which will be up separately, by the way, provided you want me to continue. I hope you do, because I have plans too. Buah ha ha ha! I really like this chapter too. It's actually funny. Sort of. I'd also like to apologize in advance to anyone who takes offense to the Sylvan thing. I'm not making fun of the actual place or anyone who goes there. In fact, my brother goes there. (Of course, I DO make fun of him, but that's because he's my brother. It has nothing to do with that.) But you have to admit, the commercials are completely retarded. Plus that part was written at 2 in the morning. It struck me as absolutely hilarious at the time.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for me, the mary sue I DON'T want (any takers?) and the rubber duckie. Oh yeah, and I own the Jesus Christ Super Frog. Sort of. He's actually dead, thanks to Bio class. But I do own the lyrics to that song (sung to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar, if you couldn't figure it out).  
  
*  
  
Once he had killed the orc, Aragorn paused for a moment, breathing hard. Then he remembered. "Boromir," he muttered, racing to his fallen friend's side.  
  
Boromir was lying on his back, gasping for breath. Meghan stood nearby, biting her lip. Even the Mary Sue was quiet. Aragorn stopped beside Boromir, knowing it was hopeless Still he knelt down, prepared to do all he could. As he started to remove the embedded arrows, Boromir stopped him.  
  
"No," he said, his eyes betraying the hopelessness of the situation. "There is no more you can do. Help the little ones. They've taken Merry and Pippin. Marinella, I want you to know that I will always lo-" he stopped abruptly as Meghan smacked Marinella and turned off her charm.  
  
"Have you no respect at all?" she hissed to the Sue as Boromir and Aragorn continued speaking. "He's dying, can't you at least leave him alone on his deathbed?" For once, the Mary Sue did something right, and they both sobered as Boromir whispered his last words.  
  
"My captain, my king."  
  
Unfortunately, that was only as long as she could manage to stay quiet. Legolas and Gimli rejoined them just in time to hear her outraged squeals.  
  
"Oh my god, they are so gay!" she shrieked as Aragorn kissed Boromir on the forehead in a gesture of farewell.  
  
"They are not fucking gay!" Meghan hissed through gritted teeth. "It's a fucking PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP!" Irritated beyond words, Meghan took out a handful of pens that had appeared in her pocket. One by one she threw them at what's-her-face's forehead, turning the girl into a human dartboard. The pens stuck out of Marinella's forehead like needles in a pincushion. Blue, black and red ink spurted from the wounds, mixing with blood. The liquid dripped into her eyes, obscuring her vision and causing great pain.  
  
"My eyes are burning! And I think you messed up my hair!" she shrieked, running around aimlessly. "Where's my precious Leggy-Weggy? Come save me!"  
  
But, as I'm sure we all know (or can imagine at any rate) racing around stupidly with pens stuck in your forehead rather ruins any charm you might hold, and as such Legolas was released from any spell Marinella might have cast on him. He discreetly moved away whenever she came too close. Finally she ran headfirst into a tree, fell back on her ass, and disappeared.  
  
"GOD, she was annoying," Meghan announced.  
  
"Thank you," Legolas sighed gratefully, looking desperately relieved.  
  
"No problem!" Meghan laughed, a lot happier now that the moron was gone.  
  
*  
  
Frodo stood on the shore, looking out over the water. He held the ring in his palm and his massively blue eyes were glassy with unshed tears. Memories flooded his mind. He could hear himself speaking.  
  
"I wish none of this had ever happened. I wish the ring had never come to me."  
  
"So do all who live to see such times." Letting his mind wander, Frodo could see Gandalf's face, standing out in the background of Moria. "But it is not for them to decide." His next words were drowned out by Laina's rendition of 'I'm a Little Teapot', complete with actions. Rolling his eyes in suppressed mirth, Frodo turned back to Gandalf but found his face already fading.  
  
"Having fun?" Laina asked, popping up in front of him.  
  
"Are you speaking to me?" Frodo asked in surprise.  
  
"No, I'm speaking to the herd of platypi behind you. Of course I'm speaking to you!"  
  
"But you are a memory," he protested. "At least, I think you are. This is still Moria. But if you are a memory, how are you able to speak of your own free will?"  
  
"Frodo, stop. You're confusing me. I'm the exception," Laina explained authoritively.  
  
"To what?" Frodo was confused.  
  
"Jesus, I don't know. To everything! Now hurry up and get going." Laina gave Frodo a push, jolting him out of his reverie. Running forward, he jumped into a boat as he pushed it into the water. Something caught the corner of his eye, and he looked back. He could have sworn he'd seen Laina racing through the trees, but she was gone.  
  
"Frodo!" Looking back, Frodo saw Sam emerging from the trees. "Frodo, wait!"  
  
"No Sam. I'm going to Mordor alone," Frodo insisted.  
  
"Of course you are, Mister Frodo," Sam agreed. "And I'm coming with you." Frodo ignored this, continuing to paddle until he heard the sounds of splashing water. He glanced back and stopped as he saw Sam struggling to wade through the water.  
  
"No Sam. Go back! You can't swim!" Frodo shouted.  
  
"'Course I can. Miss Laina gave me a rubber duckie that she said would make me able to swim." He held up the object in question.  
  
"No Sam!" The both looked in surprise as Laina ran along the shore, an orc in close pursuit of her. "I said that if you believed in yourself and practiced a lot, you could LEARN to swim!" She disappeared again.  
  
"Whoops," Sam said as he began to sink. Frodo turned the boat around and reached in to haul his loyal friend, coughing and spluttering, into the boat. "I made a promise, Mister Frodo. A promise!" Sam gasped.  
  
"Say it, don't spray it," Laina admonished, drifting lazily by while the orc sloshed after her. Doing his best to ignore them, Sam continued.  
  
"And I intend to keep it."  
  
"Oh Sam," Frodo sighed, embracing his friend.  
  
"This moment brought to you by Sylvan Learning Centre. I used to be stupid, now I'm smart. Debatably." This time, Laina was walking on the water, while the orc continued to slosh behind. "I am Jesus, hear me roar!"  
  
"Explain to me WHY we have yet to kill that orc," Frodo said.  
  
"No! You can't kill him for important reasons relating to future events that you must remain ignorant of until said time," Laina announced. Frodo and Sam stared at her blankly. "He comes out useful later," she explained. "Besides, it's kind of fun dragging him along. I think he's getting tired." With that, she took off skipping across the water, singing at the top of her lungs, "Jesus Christ! Super Frog! Do you think you're who they say you... bog."  
  
*  
  
While Frodo and Sam paddled to the far shore, Legolas, Aragorn, Meghan and Gimli burst through the trees.  
  
"Hurry!" Legolas urged. "Frodo and Same have reached the eastern shore."  
  
Meghan giggled. "You're so gung ho!"  
  
Legolas stopped as he realized none of them were following.  
  
"You mean not to follow them."  
  
"Frodo's fate is no longer in our hands," Aragorn stated calmly. Legolas looked forlorn.  
  
"It was all in vain then?" Gimli demanded.  
  
"Don't say that!" Meghan admonished. "There's still hope! There's always hope! Hope is like oxygen! Hope is a many splendored thing! Hope lifts use up where we belong! A-"  
  
"All you need is hope," Aragorn finished in a deadpan. Meghan looked suspicious.  
  
"Exactly," she agreed.  
  
"How did you know that?" Legolas questioned curiously.  
  
"You do not wish to know," Aragorn answered.  
  
"If we could get back to the present situation," Gimli interrupted them.  
  
"Of course. We will not leave Merry and Pippin to torment," Aragorn announced.  
  
"And Casey," Meghan added.  
  
"Yes, I suppose we should aide her as well," Legolas agreed with mock reluctance. Gimli grunted.  
  
"Is it truly necessary?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," Meghan answered stoutly. Aragorn and Legolas laughed.  
  
"Very well," Aragorn said. "Let's-"  
  
"No, no, no, no, NO!" Laina screamed, running over.  
  
"What are you doing? How did you return?" Legolas questioned as Laina jumped on Aragorn.  
  
"I swear to god, you finish that sentence, and I WILL hurt you. You're not a freakin' redneck," she said. Meghan laughed.  
  
"Thank you. I HATE that line."  
  
"I know," Laina said cheerfully. "But now I have to go. That orc'll be back soon." Before anyone could protest, she raced off and disappeared.  
  
"Very well," Aragorn said again, looking slightly flustered. "Let," Meghan glared at him, "Us hurry," he finished quickly. Meghan grinned.  
  
"Much better. Bye!" Waving, she disappeared. Sharing a look, the three remaining raced through the trees.  
  
*  
  
Frodo and Sam reached the top of the hill (which was really more of a small mountain) leading to Emyn Muil.  
  
"Mordor," Frodo said. "I only hope the others find a safer route. I don't suppose we'll ever see them again."  
  
"We may yet, Mister Frodo. We may yet," Sam insisted. Frodo looked at him and smiled.  
  
"I'm glad you're with me, Sam." As they set of down the rocky path, Laina's voice echoed through the air around them.  
  
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." 


End file.
